SOME OLD WISDOM

"Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt, I am a keen appreciator of wine and consider myself a bit of a connoisseur but have a terrible confession to make.
Last week I cooked a delicious chilli con carne meal and accompanied this with a light chardonnay which I enjoyed immensely.
The trouble is though that on checking  Alexis Lichine's Encyclopaedia of Wines and Spirits (1967 edition) it is said that a chilli meal must never be accompanied by a white wine and, if a red wine is used then that must be a spicy Rhone wine or a robust Bulgarian red like Egri Bikaver.
What am I to do?"

                               - Concerned Oenophile


Dear Concerned Oenophile, 'Man up'. I see no reason to take any notice of an old and long dead Frenchman who probably never washed his socks. Drink whatever you bloody well like with whatever you want to eat. I find that the best accompaniment for a white wine is another white wine or a red wine. With regards to chardonnay, this is the 'queen' of varieties and can go with anything (except fellow drinkers in RSAs). A word of warning though, be sure to only drink chardonnay that has a label on it. I don't trust those winemakers and supermarket retailers who make and sell 'cleanskins'.

p.s. Where did you get that Alexis Lichine book from?

WANDERING INTO THE REALMS OF FANTASY

"Dear Curmudgeon's agony Aunt.

 Last night I picked up my beloved from the late bus and we went to a local restaurant for a glass of wine and a bar snack.

While sitting at the bar I was faced to a window that looks out to the restaurant's deck where they have tables for diners. An attractive woman was sitting there with her partner or husband who I couldn't see. She was in her fifties. Now I was looking in that direction due to my placement at the bar but not looking at her even though I noticed her as she was very attractive. You know what I mean? Anyway, she must have thought that I was in fact looking at her as she soon began looking back - with 'that look'. I felt that I was definitely getting the 'come-on'. Should I have alerted my beloved or, as I did, enjoyed the ego-stroking?" - Wondering.

Dear Wondering.

In the words of Captain Mainwaring to Corporal Jones "I think you are wandering into the realms of fantasy there".
What on earth are you thinking? I suggest that you should have gone to the men's room and looked at yourself in the mirror to check yourself out.  The woman probably thought she saw drool coming out of your mouth or that you were spilling the wine down your shirt. She was probably tossing up whether to call the management to have you evicted or to call for some medical support for you.
As for ego -stroking I definitely think that something was being stroked.
Should you have alerted your beloved? No, not unless you wouldn't be embarrassed by her laughing.

WHAT'S UP DOC?

"Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

A friend called in today to play snooker. we were going to go to tennis and then bowls but the weather is pretty awful - rain and high winds.
Anyway, while playing snooker he asked me why, when he's been going to the doctors about a bit of a sexual performance (or lack of it) problem they don't want to examine his 'equipment'.
I didn't want to know of course and said that if I was a doctor I wouldn't want to see his willy either.
He persevered though and said that he'd seen two doctors who both suggested blood tests for possible prostate problems and one offered a prescription for Viagra. Neither volunteered to physically check him out. He was disappointed. I had no answer for this apart from my flippant earlier one.
What's this all about? Should I have been more sympathetic?"

- An unwilling confidante.


Dear Unwilling Confidante

Yes, you've touched (or not touched) on a tricky situation here. On the whole it would be better if you, or your friend, or preferably both were women. Women talk about this sort of thing much more than men do and they are more expert at it. They certainly aren't as squeamish as guys are. I'm intrigued - was this conversation stimulated (sorry about that) by playing snooker with those sticks and balls? Mmmm? Perhaps we need a Psychological Curmudgeon in our group to discuss this. I'd leave it to the doctors if I were you and it seems that wittingly or unwittingly you've done the right thing by dodging the conversation. On a personal level I wouldn't want to look at his old willy either.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

THE FRIENDLESS SOCIETY

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I write posts on my Facebook account and don't get any likes. Why does no-one like me?

 - RP

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Dear RP (did you forget the 'I').

I did a Google search on you and discovered that you have a blog that goes by the title RP. You also have other blogs that seem to be unused. Quite frankly, going by the quality, the frequency, the comprehensibility, the relevance, the readability, the interest factor, the images quality, the overt religious theming, the cockamamy social and political posturing and of course the longevity and durability of these blogs it's no wonder that when it comes to your Facebook entries you don't get many 'Likes'.

May I suggest that you join a Friendless society.
I've attached a link to an audio clip that may be of assistance.

FRIENDLESS SOCIETY


- THE CURMUDGEON'S AGONY AUNT

DIRTY BOY

"Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,
As I get older I find that I hanker more and more for the things of my youth.
I write blog posts about things that happened at school in the 1960s and reminisce about people, music, films, books, comics etc from over 40 years ago.
Recently I've taken to eating my Weetbix with hot water, milk and sugar, all stirred into a mush and to make sandwiches out of vegemite and raspberry jam. Today I made an old favourite - a sandwich made of luncheon sausage and tomato sauce.
Should I be worried?
- Peter Pan"

Dear Peter Pan,

Have you done your homework?
I suggest that you tidy your room before complaining to me and what are those strange stains on your bedsheets?

A MORAL DILEMMA

"Dear Agony Aunt

I am in a bit of a dilemma - a moral dilemma.
I am a member of a local association that supports the community.
It has just come to my attention that a fellow member has something in his past that concerns me.
He was a member of an infamous sect commune that preyed on children. He was convicted of attempted rape and unlawful sexual connection of a 14 year old (when he was in his 40s and spent several years in prison.
My dilemma is this:

• I know that this man was prosecuted and convicted under the laws of the land and served his sentence.

• I have an abhorrence of predatory behaviour however and am in the 'leopards don't change their spots' brigade.

• As a result I find it impossible to forget and forgive. I am not one of those 'turn the other cheek' people.

I feel that I should resign my position as I have no wish to serve on this committee with that man. I will not be able to give support to any of his proposals or efforts.
Please advise.

 - Mr Moralhighground"

Dear Mr Moralhighground,

I can see where you are going with this but feel that I cannot objectively comment and advise as I am too close to this in that I have the same feelings as you.

Perhaps one of our many readers can assist and provide a useful comment.

BALLS!

Dear Agony Aunt,

Please help me.

On the weekend I played pool with my wife and she beat me convincingly two games to one.
I feel that this is damaging to my ego and may cause on-going problems.

What can I do?

 - Patrick Hettic.


Dear Patrick,

To use pool analogy:

•  you have to use a straight cue to knock those balls together.
• There's nothing worse than good position if you miss the shot.
• Don't try to get perfect shape when good shape will do.
• A "real man" doesn't play safe unless they want to win.
• It's not the cue. It's you.
• Never give a sucker an even break.
• If you can't find the one being hustled in the pool room, it's you.
• Those who can't play ... teach.
• Stroke it, don't poke it.

But really, I suggest that you just grow some.

- Agony Aunt

TOILETS

Dear Agony Aunt,

We occasionally have guests coming to visit us in our house.
We like this as it's a good way to catch up with friends and relations as we live in a fairly remote location.
We have a reasonably large house that easily accommodates up to 6 guests without any problems.
We have a set-up whereby guests have two double bedrooms, a large bathroom with shower and toilet, a laundry, a kitchen and a lounge (that has a fold-out double bed couch). This means that they can join us in all communal things but still have space for their private enjoyment.
All good?
Yes, but we have found that some guests when staying with us use and enjoy all that but when socialising in the main part of the house (dinner, drinks, entertainment etc.) still, when they want to use the toilet, use my bloody the main toilet when it would be just as easy for them to walk those extra few paces down to their own bloody the guest room's toilet and bathroom.
What's that all about?
I'm not a 'toilet crank' but I do like privacy. I would never do 'number twos' in any one else's place including public conveniences, so would like other people to respect this.

- C. Opraphobia.

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Dear C. Opraphobia.

What can I say?.................... you are a fucking nutter! Everyone pees and poops. Haven't you heard that saying "if you don't shit you die"? Jesus, get a life.

Well, now that I've got that out of my system (pun intended) I must admit that I kind of have an understanding of where you're coming from. I pee in other people's houses (in the toilets obviously - unless they're right bastards and then the nearest wardrobe will do) but I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to have a crap unless, after staying there for more than 3 days I didn't have an option. We've had dinner parties at our house or, even just pre-dinner drinks when some manky guest has done a big one in the bog!

Bloody hell! Yes, I think I know where you're coming from now.
My suggestion is to put signs up on both bathrooms saying 'Out Of Order' and hopefully the guests will bugger off within a day.

Hope this helps.