Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt
I have a confession (not that blessed and sacred sacrament) to make.
On Sundays at Mass, Father (he's not really my dad, I think) asks me to look after the church shop for him. I like that as it's a big responsibility and I know that he trusts me. He also gets me to look after the collection. Recently he asked me to clean the toilets as he knows that I have experience in this. I'm proud to help. Last Sunday Father asked me to do the singing during service. He also wants me to read out the Epistle and the Gospel and hinted that I should write a sermon for next week. I asked him if I could write it and read it out in Latin and he said yes. He's been hinting as to whether I know how to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ.
"Hoc est enim corpus meum .... hic est enim calix sanguinis mei." I said and he replied "You're hired!"
Am I being presumptuous or have I been invited into the fold.
Yours,
Shav Eling
Dear Shav,
Yes, fill your boots. Take that opportunity in both hands and run with it as Diego Maradona used to say. You've got a great chance of wealth and success there. Take the collection for example. I mean it, take it. Also, that church shop thing sounds like a great rort. The mark-ups on things like medals, holy pictures, pamphlets and bibles must be tremendous. No doubt they are all made in Asian, non-christian countries by child slave labour so the base cost is nothing. Maybe you can create a chain of these stores or, better still, get into mail order.
If the offer of a job comes as substitute priest accept it. Remember, you can never get sacked from that position no matter how useless or drunk you are and the catholic church will always turn a blind eye to your transgressions no matter how horrendous. The accommodation is free and they'll probably give you a housekeeper or two. Labour's easy to get as, in the church there's always some silly sucker that can be cajoled into doing the work ..... oh, sorry, but you know what I mean.
- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.
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