SHHH ... EESH!

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I used to like going to the library - both my local and the big one in town but recently my athenaeumic perusals have been interrupted and compromised by activities that I don't believe have a proper place in a library which should be a place of sanctuary, meditation, reflection and learning.

In the city, my browsing is ruined by the loud chatter, snoring, smells and disgusting activity of a band of down and outers who use the library as a doss house.

At my local suburban library, serious literary investigation is being replaced by women's chattering, children's drama productions and now, horror of horrors, I saw an advertisement for some sort of cacophonic demonstration by an old fiddler. Now, I don't know if you know me but I'm one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse and have almost the whole portfolios of Barry Manilow, Liberace and Jimmy Shand but this is a library we are talking about here. SHUSH!

Yours, 

Peter Gogue.

Dear Mr Gogue. What century do you live in mmm? Don't you know that books are passé? Normal people get their information from social media nowadays and, if there's a new Andrew Child book out they download it for free and read it on their phone or iPad. You are a luddite I think and maybe you should stay at home ... unless, to paraphrase old Bill Shakespeare - "methinks he protests too much" - you frequent the library because you yourself are an 'old fiddler'. Just saying.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and edification

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Mi vergogno un po' a dirlo, ma io ... scusi ... I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this but I find, in my dotage, that I slip into speaking and writing in foreign languages when communicating with friends and family. Eu temo que eles pensem que estou sendo um pouco poseur ...  e me exibindo com licença ... er, excuse me again. People are looking at me strangely even more strangely, what can you suggest?

Richard of Richard's Bass Bag.

Well 'Richard of Richard's Bass Bag' may I suggest that the way that you introduce yourself, before you become that multi-lingual poseur, is a bit of a wank? Richard of Richard's Bass Bag indeed! What's wrong with you? And, what the hell is a bass bag? Why don't you carry a handbag - or a man's bag like all those other old nancies? I'd drop all that foreign language stuff if I were you and concentrate on remembering words in English before you really succumb to that dotage.

Yours, in the spirit of being helpful, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.