LA-DI-DA

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

My wife has an older friend who she has known longer than me (nearly 40 years) who has acted as a kind of mentor to her. This friend, now in her 70s is at times a bit opinionated and a bit alternative in her thinking. She is very intelligent I admit but I feel that she is pretentious and that her somewhat bohemian and overt behaviour is a put-on to get attention. I daren't say this (again) to my wife as it caused problems some years ago when I mentioned this. What do you suggest?

                                                                                                                   - Judgemental

Dear Judgemental. You aren't going to win this one I'm afraid so 'suck it up'. Your judgemental attitude might be telling us something about you though - mmmm?
I suggest that you ignore your annoyance and find excuses not to be around when this older friend visits or when in potential social settings. Dying is good.

CHASING PUSSY (CATS)

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

I have a problem that seems to be getting worse.
For a while now, when I see an attractive woman I say "woof".
It used to be that I said this to myself, in my head, but more recently I've been saying it out loud.
This is increasing in volume to the point that people are starting to notice. I don't have Tourette Syndrome so cannot blame that if anyone takes offence.
So far my wife hasn't noticed this but it's only a matter of time before I say "Woof" out loud when I'm out with her. She is very observant and will immediately realise that I was looking at an attractive woman before I 'barked'.
What am I to do?

                                                                                                 - Cur(t)

Dear Cur(t).
Yes, you do have a problem but it could be worse. Lord Fortnum in The Bed-Sitting Room thought he was turning into a, well, bed-sitting room. Actually he did ....
Your wife will notice your bow-wowing and I'm surprised that this hasn't happened already.
Do you manifest any other 'doggy' behaviour? Running about? Salivating? Peeing on trees? Licking your balls? Chasing cats? Sniffing crotches? Can I suggest that you just ....STOP THIS STUPID BEHAVIOUR! Get a grip man.

                                                                              - The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Maybe there's a club you can join.

HE THINKS HE'S TURNING ITALIAN (REPEAT) ... YOU KNOW HE THINKS SO

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I have a friend who is a nice guy but as he gets older he sure gets crankier as well.His crankiness manifests itself in his comments on other's blog posts and seem to be worse when written late at night, obviously fuelled by a bit too much chardonnay (unlabelled).
He has a brother who, like Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham to Donald Trump, ingratiatingly praises him to his face but says derogatory things about him behind his back (but that's another story).
My friend has taken to speaking and writing in Italian and uses this language for his most vitriolic comments.
Should I learn Italian in order to understand his comments and to respond in kind?

                                                                                   - Uncertain


Dear Uncertain. Didn't your mother ever say to you "OK, so just because Johnny jumps off a cliff, will you do so as well?"
Don't be such an idiot. This cranky friend of yours soon won't have any friends at all if he keeps getting crankier. He's using this foreign language as a crutch to disguise past failings. I've found that such people who take up another language later in life do so because they failed to master other languages at school and are resentful of those who did. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a load of imaginary friends who he corresponds with.
Ignore it.

p.s. this brother of his sounds like a bit of a worry though.



- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.