Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt
I have some friends who are showing worrying trends of violence and don't know if I should intervene or not.
One, let's call him Richard - well, it is his name after all, used to be such a nice affable jovial ..... no, to be honest he's been a gruff old bastard for years but he is kind to people. Yesterday he fantasised about ...... no, not the normal ones ... about attacking young people with a sledge hammer!
The other, named Robert goes about telling everyone that he loves them ..... no. he's not one of those .... he's a Christian and, even worse, a Catholic. He bangs on about god, forgiveness and how enticing the Virgin Mary's thighs are if you catch them at the right viewing angle. Well, I've discovered that he has a secret life - an obsession perhaps of playing extremely violent console video games involving imaginary warfare scenarios. He also builds static models portraying car crashes and airplane disasters.
In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye - what's going on?
Ima Gentleperson
Dear Ima
Don't worry about this, it's just the way the world is going. Your friend Richard is merely acting out the frustrations that he's had building up all his life from being kind to people. No doubt many of the people that he's been kind to haven't returned the favour or even said thanks. Let him go haywire with his hammer (as long as he doesn't come after me). What's the worse that can happen mmm? He belts a few young people? Well, let me tell you Miss bleeding heart Ima , most young people I know need a good belting. Many young people are so pampered nowadays that they've forgotten that there's such a thing as walking, and they spend all their time in cars and on buses and unless they do something, the future for walking is very poor indeed. They’re out-of-touch hipsters who spend too much on coffee and too little on facial hair care. Many are spoiled, entitled, or both. Whither are the manly vigour and athletic appearance of our forefathers flown? Can these be their legitimate heirs? Surely, no; a race of effeminate, self-admiring, emaciated fribbles can never have descended in a direct line from the heroes of yesteryear. The tragic truth is that the young people of today are a bunch of phone-addicted, selfie-obsessed, hashtagging, snapchatting, kale-munching, twerking, lazy, whining, ill-informed, politically correct, cossetted narcissists who find absolutely everything mortally offensive and believe there are 165 ways to sexually identify. And, as for that Catholic guy Robert I think you should be glad that he's showing some balls - I hope he's not still doing that in public - and admitting, albeit just to himself that this namby-pamby "I love you all" Christian bullshit has no place in today's society. Let him shoot up Jerries, commies and futuristic monsters to his little heart's content. At least it keeps him off the streets and away from me mmm? It's the obsession with the Virgin Mary that bothers me though. Does he know that she was only 14 when that dirty old Holy Ghost 'did the business'?*
I trust that this has been helpful. As ever yours,
The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.
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