Sunday, 10 December 2017


Dear Agony Aunt,

We occasionally have guests coming to visit us in our house.
We like this as it's a good way to catch up with friends and relations as we live in a fairly remote location.
We have a reasonably large house that easily accommodates up to 6 guests without any problems.
We have a set-up whereby guests have two double bedrooms, a large bathroom with shower and toilet, a laundry, a kitchen and a lounge (that has a fold-out double bed couch). This means that they can join us in all communal things but still have space for their private enjoyment.
All good?
Yes, but we have found that some guests when staying with us use and enjoy all that but when socialising in the main part of the house (dinner, drinks, entertainment etc.) still, when they want to use the toilet, use my bloody the main toilet when it would be just as easy for them to walk those extra few paces down to their own bloody the guest room's toilet and bathroom.
What's that all about?
I'm not a 'toilet crank' but I do like privacy. I would never do 'number twos' in any one else's place including public conveniences, so would like other people to respect this.

- C. Opraphobia.


Dear C. Opraphobia.

What can I say?.................... you are a fucking nutter! Everyone pees and poops. Haven't you heard that saying "if you don't shit you die"? Jesus, get a life.

Well, now that I've got that out of my system (pun intended) I must admit that I kind of have an understanding of where you're coming from. I pee in other people's houses (in the toilets obviously - unless they're right bastards and then the nearest wardrobe will do) but I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to have a crap unless, after staying there for more than 3 days I didn't have an option. We've had dinner parties at our house or, even just pre-dinner drinks when some manky guest has done a big one in the bog!

Bloody hell! Yes, I think I know where you're coming from now.
My suggestion is to put signs up on both bathrooms saying 'Out Of Order' and hopefully the guests will bugger off within a day.

Hope this helps.


  1. We only have one toilet so, when people stay, they're going to have to use it. Unless we dig a hole in the garden - just like all the neighbourhood cats. Though, unlike The Curmudgeon, oops I mean
    C. Opraphobia, when people use our bathroom I don't hang around listening to find out what they're doing.

  2. In the case of that party guest it was very obvious without having to 'hang around listening '

    The Curmudgeon - Agony Aunt.

  3. You should have a sign in and sign out system on your toilet door. It could have three boxes - Time in / Time out / purpose of visit.

  4. With a notice, "Please wash your hands thoroughly before using the pen."

  5. The Bass Bagging Confederation to the rescue!



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