WAINUIOMATA - WHERE THE GIRLS ARE SMARTER

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I'm reminded of Marcel Proust's 'À la recherche du temps perdu' at present when reminiscing on my happy times living in Wainuiomata. It used to be a fun place full of humour and vibrant wit or, as old Marcel used to put it:

"Soyons reconnaissants envers les gens qui nous rendent heureux, ce sont ces charmants jardiniers qui font fleurir nos âmes.

(Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom)."

Now I fear that wit and humour have been replaced by old 'dad' jokes that are as fresh as an old man's trousers that haven't been changed or washed in years. It's sad really and Proust's positive memories give way to Paul Verlaine's despondency:

"Les sanglots longs des violons de l'automne blessent mon coeur d'une langueur monotone. Tout suffocant et blême, quand sonne l'heure, je me souviens des jours anciens et je pleure."

(The long sobs of autumn violins wound my heart with monotonous languor. All suffocating and pale, when the hour strikes, I remember the old days and I cry")."

What to do?

Chloe (once from Wainuiomata) 

Dear Chloe

I feel for you - I really do.

Old men's trousers should be laundered regularly and, if not actually boiled in a copper should at least be dry-cleaned. I've found that a long soak in bleach (Janola is best because it comes in different aromatics and colours) followed by an hour long boil-up in the copper. If you don't have a copper then a long wash cycle on the very hot setting in your washing machine will suffice. Of course, the use of incontinence pants in the beginning will solve a lot of these little problems.

I trust that this has been helpful.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

IT WASN'T ME

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Not long ago I was given a new job, one that I coveted but now some mean people are suggesting that I'm not up to it.

I know that I can do a good job but to date it's been difficult because of the legacy of the person who did the job before me who cocked things up and overspent and things are still going bad. It's not my fault. Honest. It's only been 14 months since I've been in this position - I've just started and they only pay me peanuts - about $300,000 a year. I know, I know, there are extra benefits being a Minister and all but sheesh!

I've tried, I really have. I've cut spending and sacked thousands of people along with giving tax advantages to richer people who still have jobs. It's not fair. It's not my fault that the people I sacked are not spending up enough to keep the economy going.

What should I do?

Nickedalltha Silver

Dear Nickedalltha

 According to you our current economic problems have all been caused by the spending schemes of the previous government. You think that you're hard done by. I get it - and you "only get paid peanuts". Well, they're pretty bloody big peanuts if you ask me - and you are (asking me).

Do you remember that Shaggy song 'It wasn't me'? Never mind - here it is to remind you:

You can, and are probably already doing this, say "It wasn't me".

You can blame the economic woes, the retail downturn, Treasury, over-employment, under-employment, ferry disasters, inflation, recession - hell, just about anything on the previous government. Blame Ardern, Hipkins, Robertson and Uncle Tom Cobley as well.

Tax receipts are down thanks to you being kind to your cronies and cutting jobs. Debt is higher and any surpluses are being pushed out to the future. Wage growth is flat-lining and our economy is unlikely to begin growing until after another 5 years. Well-done Sherlock! What're you gonna do? Cut more jobs? Don't build hospitals? Don't buy new ferries? Don't employ extra hospital staff, teachers, policemen and other care givers? There you go - you're halfway there.

Fortunately for you, after you've finished crying in your milk and it's too late to blame a past government, you can blame your odious coalition partners and, don't forget that ace up your sleeve - the person in government who's even worse at the job than you are - Chris Luxon. You can tell everyone that he was driving.

I trust that this has been of assistance and remember that The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt and The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ take pride in the fact that we are unbiased and fair and take no political sides.