IT WASN'T ME

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Not long ago I was given a new job, one that I coveted but now some mean people are suggesting that I'm not up to it.

I know that I can do a good job but to date it's been difficult because of the legacy of the person who did the job before me who cocked things up and overspent and things are still going bad. It's not my fault. Honest. It's only been 14 months since I've been in this position - I've just started and they only pay me peanuts - about $300,000 a year. I know, I know, there are extra benefits being a Minister and all but sheesh!

I've tried, I really have. I've cut spending and sacked thousands of people along with giving tax advantages to richer people who still have jobs. It's not fair. It's not my fault that the people I sacked are not spending up enough to keep the economy going.

What should I do?

Nickedalltha Silver

Dear Nickedalltha

 According to you our current economic problems have all been caused by the spending schemes of the previous government. You think that you're hard done by. I get it - and you "only get paid peanuts". Well, they're pretty bloody big peanuts if you ask me - and you are (asking me).

Do you remember that Shaggy song 'It wasn't me'? Never mind - here it is to remind you:

You can, and are probably already doing this, say "It wasn't me".

You can blame the economic woes, the retail downturn, Treasury, over-employment, under-employment, ferry disasters, inflation, recession - hell, just about anything on the previous government. Blame Ardern, Hipkins, Robertson and Uncle Tom Cobley as well.

Tax receipts are down thanks to you being kind to your cronies and cutting jobs. Debt is higher and any surpluses are being pushed out to the future. Wage growth is flat-lining and our economy is unlikely to begin growing until after another 5 years. Well-done Sherlock! What're you gonna do? Cut more jobs? Don't build hospitals? Don't buy new ferries? Don't employ extra hospital staff, teachers, policemen and other care givers? There you go - you're halfway there.

Fortunately for you, after you've finished crying in your milk and it's too late to blame a past government, you can blame your odious coalition partners and, don't forget that ace up your sleeve - the person in government who's even worse at the job than you are - Chris Luxon. You can tell everyone that he was driving.

I trust that this has been of assistance and remember that The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt and The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ take pride in the fact that we are unbiased and fair and take no political sides.

DIDACTIC DICK

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I have a problem that's getting worse as I grow older. Everything that I do I need approbation for. It has got to the point that unless someone pats me on the head for things I do that I don't want to do them and prefer to sulk. I write a successful blog and, when I pen a post if I haven't received multiple comments immediately, I become anxious. I've resorted to writing my own comments under pseudonyms and even just under my own name. It makes me feel good to do this. Am I right or am I wrong?

- Dick (of Dick's Rubbish Bag).

Dear dick (it's good to see parents getting some things right), you sound like a bit of a snowflake in your attention seeking behaviour but something about the way that you write and especially how you name yourself suggests that you are older. Much older.

Some people may constantly need approval linked to a poor sense of self-worth. We use approval to bolster our value and that approval validates us. When our internal sense of worth fails, whether from not ever properly being built, mental illness sabotaging it, or just having a bad day of doubting ourselves, that’s when we turn to approval.

Low self-esteem and self-worth may result from trauma, childhood abuse, insecure attachment styles, or other emotional challenges from adverse experiences. Childhood plays a major role in whether we seek approval as an adult. Successfully going through childhood development typically imparts a solidified sense of self-worth and value. When a child is repeatedly given approval, they build up their sense of value. They eventually become confident in their internal sense of validation: they don’t need outside approval because they can often validate and approve themselves. Some children may face challenging experiences that may result in low self-esteem or insecurity. As adults, they might find it hard to validate themselves. Because of this, they might persistently seek approval and turn to people-pleasing behaviours.

I have another correspondent who has similar problems. His name is Richard (of Richard's Bass Bag) .... hey! Are you related to him? Whenever he corresponds I hear 'duelling banjoes' in my head. Uh oh! 

🎵 da da da dee da ...🎵

Yours in the wish that I can be of assistance to you in finding relief for your disturbing and abnormal condition.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

BORING SONG

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I find it hard to write this as it is a bit too 'close to home'.

For a while now I've been interspersing my interesting and informative posts with the most boring scenarios I can think of and write them in a dull and sleep-inducing style borrowing freely in theme, structure, narrative and comprehensibility from the others in the blog community. I do this in jest as a form of satire. Being ironic if you will.

Often this works well with a begrudging acceptance by the readers which I take as approbation. In my latest effort though - STUMPS - CRICKET, TREE AND FENCE - TAKE YOUR PICK I have received no feedback at all, not even a 'witty' zzzzzzzz from Richard. Can you please tell me why this is?

Yours in anticipation of a helpful response (and a reminder that staff evaluations and salary reviews are imminent).

The Curmudgeon.

Dear The Curmudgeon (boss)

I understand where you are coming from on this and, as an avid reader of your posts have noticed these, let's call them 'lesser posts' that, over the years of your very popular blog (now in single figures readership) broke up the serious, political and important posts providing a kind of comic releif for devotees. In recent times however I have ascertained that these 'lesser posts' have become more frequent and, dare I say, have become fillers in your blog.

At the risk of receiving a poor review in the employee consultation process I feel compelled to point out that you are in fact, as no doubt some old schoolteachers through a form of self-recognition will soon be calling you, a boring bastard. You are in danger of singing the same old boring song.

Yours in the interest of being understanding and helpful

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

ONCE IN A BLUE MOAN

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

In strictest confidence I want to tell you that I'm a member of a very select and discerning blogging group that has won awards and received accolades from the top internet-thingy groups. We have been a relatively contented bunch for quite some time and each has their own area of expertise to report on.

Just recently a new member has been inducted as the boss identified a market gap and perceived a need for a cu ... er, a contributor with a particular trait. He discussed this with competitive bloggers without any reference to current members of the inc ... er group and appointed a new guy.  This guy has no better qualifications than me for the role and I know that I could do a better job with the portfolio. He threw a party for the guy with drinks and sausage rolls and all. I never got that when I was inducted. To add insult to injury he produced a poster that had everyone's image on it but left mine out.

Should I be unhappy with this situation and what do you suggest I do with it.

Des Gruntled.

Dear Des

I know what you are saying and can sympathise with you since recently I've ... hey! Des is it? Are you sure that's not The Blue Man there? It is isn't it. Well I'll be! You're being a whiny little bitch you know. Maybe you'd be better off in that Bass Bag Confusion thing with attitudes like that. I should let the boss know.

Why on earth do you think you'd be better in the happy position than The Happy Curmudgeon? That's who you're moaning about right - The Happy Curmudgeon? I recall that when you first joined The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ you said this about yourself:

"I wanted a blog that's just me with no connections to anything else.
As The Blue Man I want to be able to move about without any labels or restrictions.
My mind floats about a bit as I think, daydream, fantasise or remember. Sometimes my thoughts are whimsical, sometimes philosophical, sometimes political but never religious."

Fair enough - "fill your boots I say" but you also said and I quote:

"If there is any one overriding theme in my blog however it would be pessimism. I don't feel optimistic in the way the world and life is going. Things are bad and are only going to get worse."

How on earth can you think that an attitude like that is commensurate with the attributes of a Happy Curmudgeon? 

Get a grip man (not that thing that Robert does a hundred times a year) and write some posts of your own - you haven't posted since January 2022. Maybe I can put a good word into the boss's ear for you and get you a bevvy and a sausage roll eh?

Yours in the interest of being understanding and helpful

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

"DO WHAT YOU FEEL, FEEL UNTIL THE END"

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm an atheist and I guess that I've been one all my life. I was educated in the Catholic faith and attended Catholic primary, intermediate and secondary schools being taught by Catholic nuns, brothers and priests. During this time I participated in, not always freely, various Catholic ceremonies and 'sacraments' like Baptism,  First Communion, Confirmation and Benedictions, Masses, Confessions and all sorts of bizarre and arcane practices. I was appointed an 'officer' of the Catholic Church in some of these being an altar boy and a sacristan.

As I said, I've been an atheist all of my life and, when attending and participating in these ceremonies I didn't believe in them, thinking the whole thing in fact was a bit of nonsense. As a result, in all of my schooling Christian Doctrine (a compulsory course on the curriculum right through the seventh form) was my worst subject and one that I often got failed marks for.

I confess though that I did like the pageantry of the church services, particularly when they were performed in Latin up until the mid 1960s. I liked choral services and to this day like to listen to Gregorian chants which I guess explains my liking of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana and Enigma's MCMXC a.D. As a consequence, at times of religious periods like Easter and Christmas I feel empty and disillusioned.

Is this a problem?

Asher Ashell

Dear Asher

Good on you for not buying in to that mumbo jumbo that goes by the name of Catechism. At any age it's important to believe in the self and not blindly take in spurious teachings of others who have hidden agendas. Sigmund Freud, in 'The Future of an Illusion'  said that dogmatic religious training contributes to a weakness of intellect by foreclosing lines of inquiry. He argued that "in the long run nothing can withstand reason and experience, and the contradiction which religion offers to both is all too palpable."

'The Future of an Illusion' however has been criticised as one of the great failures of religious criticism. Howard Bloom believed that Freud underestimated religion, and that as a result his criticisms of it were no more convincing than T. S. Eliot's criticisms of psychoanalysis. Bloom suggested that psychoanalysis and Christianity are both interpretations of the world and of human nature, and that while Freud believed that religious beliefs are illusions and delusions, the same may be said of psychoanalytic theory. In his view nothing is accomplished with regard to either Christianity or psychoanalysis by listing their illusions and delusions.

As said, you have shown strong cognitive awareness in resisting indoctrination but don't underestimate the power of the subconscious and as Proust said "even though our lives wander, our memories remain in one place."

There is no problem in enjoying the things in your memory that give you pleasure. Go and listen to O Fortuna or Sadeness Part i up as loud as you can stand.

I trust that this helps.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

PLAYING THE VIOLIN AND DOUBLE BASS WHILE WEARING BOXING GLOVES MIGHT POSE A BIT OF A PROBLEM

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I used to be a great blog writer but for a while now I'm running out of inspiration and the stamina to write. Gone are the days when i could just 'bang one out' for the hell of it or craft intelligent and informative treatises on music with a moral for readers.

I now go for days without posting and, when I do post tend to 'parallel universe' borrowing interesting themes, images and even entire blocks of writing from my fellow, more accomplished bloggers.

Is it time for me to 'hang my boots up' as it were?

- An old guy who used to run an original blog

Dear old guy who used to run an original blog

It sounds like you've been "banging one out" a bit much on your own there thus sapping your creative energy. You know that there was a saint who reminds me of you. He was Alphonsus Maria de Liguori or Saint Alphonsus Liguori, an Italian Catholic bishop, spiritual writer, composer, musician, artist, poet, lawyer, scholastic philosopher, and theologian.

Unlike you though he suffered from scruples much of his adult life and felt guilty about the most minor issues relating to sin. Moreover, Liguori viewed scruples as a blessing at times and wrote: "Scruples are useful in the beginning of conversion.... they cleanse the soul, and at the same time make it careful". I believe that your brother Robert would buy into this.

Liguori had poor eyesight and chronic asthma which his father attributed to chronic masturbation and made him wear boxing gloves in bed.  He also had him educated in the legal profession believing that dry old law would take his mind off anything of prurience. Liguori followed his father's direction for a while but then drifted to the Catholic Church which was more to his liking. His greatest contribution to the Catholic Church was in the area of moral theology, his masterpiece being The Moral Theology (1748), which was approved by the Pope himself.  He opposed sterile legalism and strict rigourism. According to him, those were paths closed to the Gospel because "such rigour has never been taught nor practised by the Church". His system of moral theology is noted for its prudence, avoiding both laxism and excessive rigour. He is credited with the position of Aequiprobabilism, which avoided Jansenist rigorism as well as laxism and simple probabilism. It's easy to see from this why his fellow theologians called him a wanker, a slight that was unfortunately to prove true when, in 1731, while he was ministering to earthquake victims in the town of Foggia,  Alphonsus said he had a vision of the Virgin Mother in the appearance of a young girl of 13 or 14, wearing a white veil.

He took to his bed, sans boxing gloves and wasn't seen for quite some time, his 'ministrations' rendering him an emaciated wreck.

Death of San Alfonso María de Ligorio, at the Basilica in Pagani, Italy

By May 1775, Alphonus was "deaf, blind, and laden with so many infirmities, that he has no longer even the appearance of a man", and his resignation was accepted by the recently crowned Pope Pius VI. He continued to live with the Redemptorist community in Pagani Italy where he died on 1 August 1787.

       - Wikipedia

I trust that this anecdote is seen by you as informative and can serve as a warning. It's not too late you know.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and sexual hygiene.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

San Alfonso María de Ligorio before his vision

San Alfonso María de Ligorio some time after his vision

 

AND ANOTHER STING ...

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Today when I was vacuuming the house, when I pushed the wand behind the bed in the spare room, the machine suddenly stopped. I moved the bed to find out what might have caused this and discovered a very large wasp nest - or at least I think that these are wasps. They are much larger than any I've seen before and began to behave very aggressively. I had to make a hasty exit and I closed the door on the marauders. I could hear them angrily buzzing and hurling themselves against the bedroom door. I'm frightened to go back in there. 

Can you please help?

Yours,

Terry Narkofobya


Dear Terry

The best method to deal with a household vacuum cleaner that suddenly stops is to check that the vacuum cleaner is plugged into a working power outlet and that fuses and breakers don't need resetting. An activated thermal cut-out due to a blockage is the next most likely cause of the problem. In this case you should check for blockages in the hose and filters, and remove any obstructions that you find.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and domestic efficiency

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SHHH ... EESH!

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I used to like going to the library - both my local and the big one in town but recently my athenaeumic perusals have been interrupted and compromised by activities that I don't believe have a proper place in a library which should be a place of sanctuary, meditation, reflection and learning.

In the city, my browsing is ruined by the loud chatter, snoring, smells and disgusting activity of a band of down and outers who use the library as a doss house.

At my local suburban library, serious literary investigation is being replaced by women's chattering, children's drama productions and now, horror of horrors, I saw an advertisement for some sort of cacophonic demonstration by an old fiddler. Now, I don't know if you know me but I'm one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse and have almost the whole portfolios of Barry Manilow, Liberace and Jimmy Shand but this is a library we are talking about here. SHUSH!

Yours, 

Peter Gogue.

Dear Mr Gogue. What century do you live in mmm? Don't you know that books are passé? Normal people get their information from social media nowadays and, if there's a new Andrew Child book out they download it for free and read it on their phone or iPad. You are a luddite I think and maybe you should stay at home ... unless, to paraphrase old Bill Shakespeare - "methinks he protests too much" - you frequent the library because you yourself are an 'old fiddler'. Just saying.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and edification

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Mi vergogno un po' a dirlo, ma io ... scusi ... I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this but I find, in my dotage, that I slip into speaking and writing in foreign languages when communicating with friends and family. Eu temo que eles pensem que estou sendo um pouco poseur ...  e me exibindo com licença ... er, excuse me again. People are looking at me strangely even more strangely, what can you suggest?

Richard of Richard's Bass Bag.

Well 'Richard of Richard's Bass Bag' may I suggest that the way that you introduce yourself, before you become that multi-lingual poseur, is a bit of a wank? Richard of Richard's Bass Bag indeed! What's wrong with you? And, what the hell is a bass bag? Why don't you carry a handbag - or a man's bag like all those other old nancies? I'd drop all that foreign language stuff if I were you and concentrate on remembering words in English before you really succumb to that dotage.

Yours, in the spirit of being helpful, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I DON'T KNOW WHY ...

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Last evening I was making a cup of tea for supper and fancied a hot cross bun which I knew was in the pantry. I took the bun out and cut it in two to warm in the microwave oven. At this stage I should tell you that I hadn't put the main kitchen light on. As I warmed the bun I noticed a couple of sultanas on the bench that had obviously fallen out of the bun and I popped these into my moth. One was sweet as a sultana or raisin should be, the other wasn't. I then recalled that my partner had sprayed fly-spray earlier and I saw a couple of dead flies on the window ledge. One of the 'sultanas' I'd eaten must have been a dead fly!

I gagged but it was too late. I'd eaten it. I suddenly had flash-back images of Jeff Goldblum as The Fly.

Will I turn into one?

Yours in worry

Pter Onarcophobia

Dear Pter

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune but it did give me a laugh.

Have you heard that nursery rhyme of the old lady who swallowed a fly? I certainly hope that you don't decide to eat a spider now. Listen to the rhyme and you'll see that it doesn't end well. Ha ha.

On a serious note there's not a lot that I can advise. Just man up and get over it and, oh by the way, when you hear your partner spraying fly-killer again - best to stay away OK?

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER CARVIN THROBLE?

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

I'm contacting you because I feel neglected. My creator, who dreamed me up back in January 2076 - sorry, that's my time zone - January 2022, promised that he would tell my story and keep everyone updated. After three posts on his blog this fizzled out and the old guy got distracted - at first talking about a parallel universe and then his posts morphed into stories about cycling, religion and some pretty weird music stuff.

I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all but is this fair?

- Carvin Throble - Swordsman.

Dear Carvin

So, it's all about you is it? "I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all" you whine. Look Carpin, I don't think you're the sharpest cutlass in the arsenal. Your creator, who clearly suffers from ADHD simply forgot about you. Think yourself lucky. Given his propensity for writing weird posts about his toilet habits and obsessive compulsive compunction to play with silly stringed instruments over and over he could have given you a banjo or a ukulele instead of a cool sword.

Get over it.

Yours in the hope that this advice is helpful.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

p.s. That Putin look you've adopted in your avatar is plain silly. You've obviously sucked in your tummy (as he does) to disguise your man boobs. You should put a shirt on.