PLAYING THE VIOLIN AND DOUBLE BASS WHILE WEARING BOXING GLOVES MIGHT POSE A BIT OF A PROBLEM

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I used to be a great blog writer but for a while now I'm running out of inspiration and the stamina to write. Gone are the days when i could just 'bang one out' for the hell of it or craft intelligent and informative treatises on music with a moral for readers.

I now go for days without posting and, when I do post tend to 'parallel universe' borrowing interesting themes, images and even entire blocks of writing from my fellow, more accomplished bloggers.

Is it time for me to 'hang my boots up' as it were?

- An old guy who used to run an original blog

Dear old guy who used to run an original blog

It sounds like you've been "banging one out" a bit much on your own there thus sapping your creative energy. You know that there was a saint who reminds me of you. He was Alphonsus Maria de Liguori or Saint Alphonsus Liguori, an Italian Catholic bishop, spiritual writer, composer, musician, artist, poet, lawyer, scholastic philosopher, and theologian.

Unlike you though he suffered from scruples much of his adult life and felt guilty about the most minor issues relating to sin. Moreover, Liguori viewed scruples as a blessing at times and wrote: "Scruples are useful in the beginning of conversion.... they cleanse the soul, and at the same time make it careful". I believe that your brother Robert would buy into this.

Liguori had poor eyesight and chronic asthma which his father attributed to chronic masturbation and made him wear boxing gloves in bed.  He also had him educated in the legal profession believing that dry old law would take his mind off anything of prurience. Liguori followed his father's direction for a while but then drifted to the Catholic Church which was more to his liking. His greatest contribution to the Catholic Church was in the area of moral theology, his masterpiece being The Moral Theology (1748), which was approved by the Pope himself.  He opposed sterile legalism and strict rigourism. According to him, those were paths closed to the Gospel because "such rigour has never been taught nor practised by the Church". His system of moral theology is noted for its prudence, avoiding both laxism and excessive rigour. He is credited with the position of Aequiprobabilism, which avoided Jansenist rigorism as well as laxism and simple probabilism. It's easy to see from this why his fellow theologians called him a wanker, a slight that was unfortunately to prove true when, in 1731, while he was ministering to earthquake victims in the town of Foggia,  Alphonsus said he had a vision of the Virgin Mother in the appearance of a young girl of 13 or 14, wearing a white veil.

He took to his bed, sans boxing gloves and wasn't seen for quite some time, his 'ministrations' rendering him an emaciated wreck.

Death of San Alfonso María de Ligorio, at the Basilica in Pagani, Italy

By May 1775, Alphonus was "deaf, blind, and laden with so many infirmities, that he has no longer even the appearance of a man", and his resignation was accepted by the recently crowned Pope Pius VI. He continued to live with the Redemptorist community in Pagani Italy where he died on 1 August 1787.

       - Wikipedia

I trust that this anecdote is seen by you as informative and can serve as a warning. It's not too late you know.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and sexual hygiene.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

San Alfonso María de Ligorio before his vision

San Alfonso María de Ligorio some time after his vision

 

AND ANOTHER STING ...

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Today when I was vacuuming the house, when I pushed the wand behind the bed in the spare room, the machine suddenly stopped. I moved the bed to find out what might have caused this and discovered a very large wasp nest - or at least I think that these are wasps. They are much larger than any I've seen before and began to behave very aggressively. I had to make a hasty exit and I closed the door on the marauders. I could hear them angrily buzzing and hurling themselves against the bedroom door. I'm frightened to go back in there. 

Can you please help?

Yours,

Terry Narkofobya


Dear Terry

The best method to deal with a household vacuum cleaner that suddenly stops is to check that the vacuum cleaner is plugged into a working power outlet and that fuses and breakers don't need resetting. An activated thermal cut-out due to a blockage is the next most likely cause of the problem. In this case you should check for blockages in the hose and filters, and remove any obstructions that you find.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and domestic efficiency

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SHHH ... EESH!

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I used to like going to the library - both my local and the big one in town but recently my athenaeumic perusals have been interrupted and compromised by activities that I don't believe have a proper place in a library which should be a place of sanctuary, meditation, reflection and learning.

In the city, my browsing is ruined by the loud chatter, snoring, smells and disgusting activity of a band of down and outers who use the library as a doss house.

At my local suburban library, serious literary investigation is being replaced by women's chattering, children's drama productions and now, horror of horrors, I saw an advertisement for some sort of cacophonic demonstration by an old fiddler. Now, I don't know if you know me but I'm one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse and have almost the whole portfolios of Barry Manilow, Liberace and Jimmy Shand but this is a library we are talking about here. SHUSH!

Yours, 

Peter Gogue.

Dear Mr Gogue. What century do you live in mmm? Don't you know that books are passé? Normal people get their information from social media nowadays and, if there's a new Andrew Child book out they download it for free and read it on their phone or iPad. You are a luddite I think and maybe you should stay at home ... unless, to paraphrase old Bill Shakespeare - "methinks he protests too much" - you frequent the library because you yourself are an 'old fiddler'. Just saying.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and edification

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Mi vergogno un po' a dirlo, ma io ... scusi ... I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this but I find, in my dotage, that I slip into speaking and writing in foreign languages when communicating with friends and family. Eu temo que eles pensem que estou sendo um pouco poseur ...  e me exibindo com licença ... er, excuse me again. People are looking at me strangely even more strangely, what can you suggest?

Richard of Richard's Bass Bag.

Well 'Richard of Richard's Bass Bag' may I suggest that the way that you introduce yourself, before you become that multi-lingual poseur, is a bit of a wank? Richard of Richard's Bass Bag indeed! What's wrong with you? And, what the hell is a bass bag? Why don't you carry a handbag - or a man's bag like all those other old nancies? I'd drop all that foreign language stuff if I were you and concentrate on remembering words in English before you really succumb to that dotage.

Yours, in the spirit of being helpful, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I DON'T KNOW WHY ...

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Last evening I was making a cup of tea for supper and fancied a hot cross bun which I knew was in the pantry. I took the bun out and cut it in two to warm in the microwave oven. At this stage I should tell you that I hadn't put the main kitchen light on. As I warmed the bun I noticed a couple of sultanas on the bench that had obviously fallen out of the bun and I popped these into my moth. One was sweet as a sultana or raisin should be, the other wasn't. I then recalled that my partner had sprayed fly-spray earlier and I saw a couple of dead flies on the window ledge. One of the 'sultanas' I'd eaten must have been a dead fly!

I gagged but it was too late. I'd eaten it. I suddenly had flash-back images of Jeff Goldblum as The Fly.

Will I turn into one?

Yours in worry

Pter Onarcophobia

Dear Pter

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune but it did give me a laugh.

Have you heard that nursery rhyme of the old lady who swallowed a fly? I certainly hope that you don't decide to eat a spider now. Listen to the rhyme and you'll see that it doesn't end well. Ha ha.

On a serious note there's not a lot that I can advise. Just man up and get over it and, oh by the way, when you hear your partner spraying fly-killer again - best to stay away OK?

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER CARVIN THROBLE?

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

I'm contacting you because I feel neglected. My creator, who dreamed me up back in January 2076 - sorry, that's my time zone - January 2022, promised that he would tell my story and keep everyone updated. After three posts on his blog this fizzled out and the old guy got distracted - at first talking about a parallel universe and then his posts morphed into stories about cycling, religion and some pretty weird music stuff.

I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all but is this fair?

- Carvin Throble - Swordsman.

Dear Carvin

So, it's all about you is it? "I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all" you whine. Look Carpin, I don't think you're the sharpest cutlass in the arsenal. Your creator, who clearly suffers from ADHD simply forgot about you. Think yourself lucky. Given his propensity for writing weird posts about his toilet habits and obsessive compulsive compunction to play with silly stringed instruments over and over he could have given you a banjo or a ukulele instead of a cool sword.

Get over it.

Yours in the hope that this advice is helpful.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

p.s. That Putin look you've adopted in your avatar is plain silly. You've obviously sucked in your tummy (as he does) to disguise your man boobs. You should put a shirt on.

NO!

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

At tennis yesterday the topic of discussion turned to women and Rod said that 'a friend of his' had a recurring fantasy of having sex with a mother and daughter at the same time. I think that he thought this was in his head and he surprised himself by saying it out loud.

One of the women in the group looked over at him and said "Rod, in your case I'd be fantasising about the grandmothers".

Anyway, why are women so mean to men (and why are grandmothers starting to look more attractive)?

- Justin Kwisitiv

Dear Justin

I think you are being influenced by that old schoolteacher you know into having imaginary friends. This 'Rod' isn't real is he? I mean, why would he be named Rod? At least that old schoolteacher comes up with interesting names for his imaginary friends. Does this gerontophilia you seem to be developing have anything to do with the fact that you can't run very fast anymore mmm? If so, and you do manage to catch an old dame I suggest that you don't entertain her with sexist jokes like you were heard to say at that same tennis outing when you said, and I quote: 

"They say that women's work is never done. That's why they don't get paid as much as men."

Get over yourself (given that you're unlikely to get over anyone else).

Yours in the spirit of being helpful,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

A MEASURING TAPE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm an integral part of a blogging community and make an effort to post daily and sometimes write two or three posts on the one day.

The others in this community are not making the effort and, when they do produce a post, it's unworthy. One old guy's latest post was about his measuring tape for fuck's sake! And that post was three days ago and there's been no follow up.

Another 'contributor' although his blog is more like a blackhole sucking the life out of everything around it, writes mainly about fictitious heavenly beings and what he's cooking for dinner. Also for fuck's sake, he writes 'rice risotto' as if there was some other type of risotto. Sheesh!

Have you any suggestions?

P. Rigg

Dear prig, sorry, Mr P. Rigg

Life isn't perfect. If it was then I wouldn't be forced to scratch out a living by listening to whiny little bitches like you who want a quick fix to their insignificant 'first world' problems. Get a grip on yourself (and I don't mean that although you probably are one). 

There are doers and there are the rest in this world. It does seem that you are a doer although what the hell you do is open to interpretation. The others clearly are the rest but, think about this -  maybe it's best that the other guys in the blogging community limit their output if it is as bad as you suggest. Do you really want to hear, every day, about measuring tapes and froggy things on double basses? Will it really help if that other guy learns something about culinary nomenclature? There's no way of shutting up religious nutters as they just bang on and on and on about made-up things so - suck it up.

I trust that this helps

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I have some friends who are showing worrying trends of violence and don't know if I should intervene or not.

One, let's call him Richard - well, it is his name after all, used to be such a nice affable jovial   ..... no, to be honest he's been a gruff old bastard for years but he is kind to people. Yesterday he fantasised about ...... no, not the normal ones ...  about attacking young people with a sledge hammer!

The other, named Robert goes about telling everyone that he loves them ..... no. he's not one of those .... he's a Christian and, even worse, a Catholic. He bangs on about god, forgiveness and how enticing the Virgin Mary's thighs are if you catch them at the right viewing angle. Well, I've discovered that he has a secret life - an obsession perhaps of playing extremely violent console video games involving imaginary warfare scenarios. He also builds static models portraying car crashes and airplane disasters. 

In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye - what's going on?

Ima Gentleperson

Dear Ima

Don't worry about this, it's just the way the world is going. Your friend Richard is merely acting out the frustrations that he's had building up all his life from being kind to people. No doubt many of the people that he's been kind to haven't returned the favour or even said thanks. Let him go haywire with his hammer (as long as he doesn't come after me). What's the worse that can happen mmm? He belts a few young people? Well, let me tell you Miss bleeding heart Ima , most young people I know need a good belting. Many young people are so pampered nowadays that they've forgotten that there's such a thing as walking, and they spend all their time in cars and on buses and unless they do something, the future for walking is very poor indeed. They’re out-of-touch hipsters who spend too much on coffee and too little on facial hair care. Many are spoiled, entitled, or both. Whither are the manly vigour and athletic appearance of our forefathers flown? Can these be their legitimate heirs? Surely, no; a race of effeminate, self-admiring, emaciated fribbles can never have descended in a direct line from the heroes of yesteryear. The tragic truth is that the young people of today are a bunch of phone-addicted, selfie-obsessed, hashtagging, snapchatting, kale-munching, twerking, lazy, whining, ill-informed, politically correct, cossetted narcissists who find absolutely everything mortally offensive and believe there are 165 ways to sexually identify. And, as for that Catholic guy Robert I think you should be glad that he's showing some balls - I hope he's not still doing that in public - and admitting, albeit just to himself that this namby-pamby "I love you all" Christian bullshit has no place in today's society. Let him shoot up Jerries, commies and futuristic monsters to his little heart's content. At least it keeps him off the streets and away from me mmm? It's the obsession with the Virgin Mary that bothers me though. Does he know that she was only 14 when that dirty old Holy Ghost 'did the business'?*

I trust that this has been helpful. As ever yours,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

* IT'S BUSINESS TIME

YEE HAW!

YEE HAW

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I take exception to what that guy Sal said earlier - about us bein' idiots'n all. What does he know about us good ol' boys whiskey and rye? Huh?

He came on to our chat colums and started talkin' about spirits with no alcohol and shit like that. Sheet! We had to kick his ass boy.

It kinda reminds me when a buddy of mine - Ken - had a bit of trouble with another keewee. We kicked his ass too as I 'member. Ken had a good lil thing going he called his corner and this B**sh***er kinda f***ed it up with his silliness. Hey! We kicked his ass man - or did I tell you that?

Sheeeit, life's good.

- Bodacious Colrouge

Dear Bodacious

Is that your name? Really? 

Yo' daddy musta hated you boy!

Ha ha, never mind my 'patois'.

As much as I despise you and everything you most probably stand for including your support of Trump, your attitudes to women, your god beliefs, your stance against the LGBT movement and abortion rights - I agree with you about that silly twat who wrote in earlier. I mean, who would have more than one Facebook account? It's enough of a bloody invasion of privacy just having one and then you can never get rid of the damned thing. I know someone who will remain nameless ....... actually his name's Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner (he's a Catholic) ....... who gets all of his news from Facebook. That and Fox News - maybe you know him?

Keep up your 'good ol' boy' lifestyle as that high strength Bourbon, high fat takeaway diet and sedentary lifestyle will likely kill you soon - if you don't blow your stupid head off with a firearm when you're drunk.

Yours sincerely

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I have a problem ..... ha ha, I guess I wouldn't be writing to you if I didn't have a problem ..... what a hoot!

Anyhoo, I've recently opened up a couple of Facebook accounts and have subscribed to some community groups- you know, local craft groups, discussion groups, community services and stuff. Are you with me? Well, when I post something or comment, for some reason I annoy people and get into on-going arguments with strangers. It gets to the point where the administrators, those small minded dullards, delist me from the groups when all I've been trying to do is show the idiots in the discussion threads what effing morons they are. How unfair is that?

Have you any advice for me?

Sal. F. Rytchus.

Dear Sal

Yes, I've 'met' people like you on social media and, frankly Sal, I don't like you or them. Were you the one who criticised me for liking those nice little video clips of the puppies? Mmm? Or maybe you gave me a hard time for saying that I liked the Barry Manilow concert I went to. Just because I like my wines to have no labels on them doesn't give you the right to say that I've got no taste you stuck-up  bastard!

I think you should get a life and stop hiding behind those made-up Facebook accounts you twerp.

I hope that this is helpful.

Your sincerely

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.