BORING SONG

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I find it hard to write this as it is a bit too 'close to home'.

For a while now I've been interspersing my interesting and informative posts with the most boring scenarios I can think of and write them in a dull and sleep-inducing style borrowing freely in theme, structure, narrative and comprehensibility from the others in the blog community. I do this in jest as a form of satire. Being ironic if you will.

Often this works well with a begrudging acceptance by the readers which I take as approbation. In my latest effort though - STUMPS - CRICKET, TREE AND FENCE - TAKE YOUR PICK I have received no feedback at all, not even a 'witty' zzzzzzzz from Richard. Can you please tell me why this is?

Yours in anticipation of a helpful response (and a reminder that staff evaluations and salary reviews are imminent).

The Curmudgeon.

Dear The Curmudgeon (boss)

I understand where you are coming from on this and, as an avid reader of your posts have noticed these, let's call them 'lesser posts' that, over the years of your very popular blog (now in single figures readership) broke up the serious, political and important posts providing a kind of comic releif for devotees. In recent times however I have ascertained that these 'lesser posts' have become more frequent and, dare I say, have become fillers in your blog.

At the risk of receiving a poor review in the employee consultation process I feel compelled to point out that you are in fact, as no doubt some old schoolteachers through a form of self-recognition will soon be calling you, a boring bastard. You are in danger of singing the same old boring song.

Yours in the interest of being understanding and helpful

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

ONCE IN A BLUE MOAN

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

In strictest confidence I want to tell you that I'm a member of a very select and discerning blogging group that has won awards and received accolades from the top internet-thingy groups. We have been a relatively contented bunch for quite some time and each has their own area of expertise to report on.

Just recently a new member has been inducted as the boss identified a market gap and perceived a need for a cu ... er, a contributor with a particular trait. He discussed this with competitive bloggers without any reference to current members of the inc ... er group and appointed a new guy.  This guy has no better qualifications than me for the role and I know that I could do a better job with the portfolio. He threw a party for the guy with drinks and sausage rolls and all. I never got that when I was inducted. To add insult to injury he produced a poster that had everyone's image on it but left mine out.

Should I be unhappy with this situation and what do you suggest I do with it.

Des Gruntled.

Dear Des

I know what you are saying and can sympathise with you since recently I've ... hey! Des is it? Are you sure that's not The Blue Man there? It is isn't it. Well I'll be! You're being a whiny little bitch you know. Maybe you'd be better off in that Bass Bag Confusion thing with attitudes like that. I should let the boss know.

Why on earth do you think you'd be better in the happy position than The Happy Curmudgeon? That's who you're moaning about right - The Happy Curmudgeon? I recall that when you first joined The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ you said this about yourself:

"I wanted a blog that's just me with no connections to anything else.
As The Blue Man I want to be able to move about without any labels or restrictions.
My mind floats about a bit as I think, daydream, fantasise or remember. Sometimes my thoughts are whimsical, sometimes philosophical, sometimes political but never religious."

Fair enough - "fill your boots I say" but you also said and I quote:

"If there is any one overriding theme in my blog however it would be pessimism. I don't feel optimistic in the way the world and life is going. Things are bad and are only going to get worse."

How on earth can you think that an attitude like that is commensurate with the attributes of a Happy Curmudgeon? 

Get a grip man (not that thing that Robert does a hundred times a year) and write some posts of your own - you haven't posted since January 2022. Maybe I can put a good word into the boss's ear for you and get you a bevvy and a sausage roll eh?

Yours in the interest of being understanding and helpful

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

"DO WHAT YOU FEEL, FEEL UNTIL THE END"

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm an atheist and I guess that I've been one all my life. I was educated in the Catholic faith and attended Catholic primary, intermediate and secondary schools being taught by Catholic nuns, brothers and priests. During this time I participated in, not always freely, various Catholic ceremonies and 'sacraments' like Baptism,  First Communion, Confirmation and Benedictions, Masses, Confessions and all sorts of bizarre and arcane practices. I was appointed an 'officer' of the Catholic Church in some of these being an altar boy and a sacristan.

As I said, I've been an atheist all of my life and, when attending and participating in these ceremonies I didn't believe in them, thinking the whole thing in fact was a bit of nonsense. As a result, in all of my schooling Christian Doctrine (a compulsory course on the curriculum right through the seventh form) was my worst subject and one that I often got failed marks for.

I confess though that I did like the pageantry of the church services, particularly when they were performed in Latin up until the mid 1960s. I liked choral services and to this day like to listen to Gregorian chants which I guess explains my liking of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana and Enigma's MCMXC a.D. As a consequence, at times of religious periods like Easter and Christmas I feel empty and disillusioned.

Is this a problem?

Asher Ashell

Dear Asher

Good on you for not buying in to that mumbo jumbo that goes by the name of Catechism. At any age it's important to believe in the self and not blindly take in spurious teachings of others who have hidden agendas. Sigmund Freud, in 'The Future of an Illusion'  said that dogmatic religious training contributes to a weakness of intellect by foreclosing lines of inquiry. He argued that "in the long run nothing can withstand reason and experience, and the contradiction which religion offers to both is all too palpable."

'The Future of an Illusion' however has been criticised as one of the great failures of religious criticism. Howard Bloom believed that Freud underestimated religion, and that as a result his criticisms of it were no more convincing than T. S. Eliot's criticisms of psychoanalysis. Bloom suggested that psychoanalysis and Christianity are both interpretations of the world and of human nature, and that while Freud believed that religious beliefs are illusions and delusions, the same may be said of psychoanalytic theory. In his view nothing is accomplished with regard to either Christianity or psychoanalysis by listing their illusions and delusions.

As said, you have shown strong cognitive awareness in resisting indoctrination but don't underestimate the power of the subconscious and as Proust said "even though our lives wander, our memories remain in one place."

There is no problem in enjoying the things in your memory that give you pleasure. Go and listen to O Fortuna or Sadeness Part i up as loud as you can stand.

I trust that this helps.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

PLAYING THE VIOLIN AND DOUBLE BASS WHILE WEARING BOXING GLOVES MIGHT POSE A BIT OF A PROBLEM

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I used to be a great blog writer but for a while now I'm running out of inspiration and the stamina to write. Gone are the days when i could just 'bang one out' for the hell of it or craft intelligent and informative treatises on music with a moral for readers.

I now go for days without posting and, when I do post tend to 'parallel universe' borrowing interesting themes, images and even entire blocks of writing from my fellow, more accomplished bloggers.

Is it time for me to 'hang my boots up' as it were?

- An old guy who used to run an original blog

Dear old guy who used to run an original blog

It sounds like you've been "banging one out" a bit much on your own there thus sapping your creative energy. You know that there was a saint who reminds me of you. He was Alphonsus Maria de Liguori or Saint Alphonsus Liguori, an Italian Catholic bishop, spiritual writer, composer, musician, artist, poet, lawyer, scholastic philosopher, and theologian.

Unlike you though he suffered from scruples much of his adult life and felt guilty about the most minor issues relating to sin. Moreover, Liguori viewed scruples as a blessing at times and wrote: "Scruples are useful in the beginning of conversion.... they cleanse the soul, and at the same time make it careful". I believe that your brother Robert would buy into this.

Liguori had poor eyesight and chronic asthma which his father attributed to chronic masturbation and made him wear boxing gloves in bed.  He also had him educated in the legal profession believing that dry old law would take his mind off anything of prurience. Liguori followed his father's direction for a while but then drifted to the Catholic Church which was more to his liking. His greatest contribution to the Catholic Church was in the area of moral theology, his masterpiece being The Moral Theology (1748), which was approved by the Pope himself.  He opposed sterile legalism and strict rigourism. According to him, those were paths closed to the Gospel because "such rigour has never been taught nor practised by the Church". His system of moral theology is noted for its prudence, avoiding both laxism and excessive rigour. He is credited with the position of Aequiprobabilism, which avoided Jansenist rigorism as well as laxism and simple probabilism. It's easy to see from this why his fellow theologians called him a wanker, a slight that was unfortunately to prove true when, in 1731, while he was ministering to earthquake victims in the town of Foggia,  Alphonsus said he had a vision of the Virgin Mother in the appearance of a young girl of 13 or 14, wearing a white veil.

He took to his bed, sans boxing gloves and wasn't seen for quite some time, his 'ministrations' rendering him an emaciated wreck.

Death of San Alfonso María de Ligorio, at the Basilica in Pagani, Italy

By May 1775, Alphonus was "deaf, blind, and laden with so many infirmities, that he has no longer even the appearance of a man", and his resignation was accepted by the recently crowned Pope Pius VI. He continued to live with the Redemptorist community in Pagani Italy where he died on 1 August 1787.

       - Wikipedia

I trust that this anecdote is seen by you as informative and can serve as a warning. It's not too late you know.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and sexual hygiene.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

San Alfonso María de Ligorio before his vision

San Alfonso María de Ligorio some time after his vision

 

AND ANOTHER STING ...

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Today when I was vacuuming the house, when I pushed the wand behind the bed in the spare room, the machine suddenly stopped. I moved the bed to find out what might have caused this and discovered a very large wasp nest - or at least I think that these are wasps. They are much larger than any I've seen before and began to behave very aggressively. I had to make a hasty exit and I closed the door on the marauders. I could hear them angrily buzzing and hurling themselves against the bedroom door. I'm frightened to go back in there. 

Can you please help?

Yours,

Terry Narkofobya


Dear Terry

The best method to deal with a household vacuum cleaner that suddenly stops is to check that the vacuum cleaner is plugged into a working power outlet and that fuses and breakers don't need resetting. An activated thermal cut-out due to a blockage is the next most likely cause of the problem. In this case you should check for blockages in the hose and filters, and remove any obstructions that you find.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and domestic efficiency

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SHHH ... EESH!

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I used to like going to the library - both my local and the big one in town but recently my athenaeumic perusals have been interrupted and compromised by activities that I don't believe have a proper place in a library which should be a place of sanctuary, meditation, reflection and learning.

In the city, my browsing is ruined by the loud chatter, snoring, smells and disgusting activity of a band of down and outers who use the library as a doss house.

At my local suburban library, serious literary investigation is being replaced by women's chattering, children's drama productions and now, horror of horrors, I saw an advertisement for some sort of cacophonic demonstration by an old fiddler. Now, I don't know if you know me but I'm one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse and have almost the whole portfolios of Barry Manilow, Liberace and Jimmy Shand but this is a library we are talking about here. SHUSH!

Yours, 

Peter Gogue.

Dear Mr Gogue. What century do you live in mmm? Don't you know that books are passé? Normal people get their information from social media nowadays and, if there's a new Andrew Child book out they download it for free and read it on their phone or iPad. You are a luddite I think and maybe you should stay at home ... unless, to paraphrase old Bill Shakespeare - "methinks he protests too much" - you frequent the library because you yourself are an 'old fiddler'. Just saying.

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness and edification

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Mi vergogno un po' a dirlo, ma io ... scusi ... I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this but I find, in my dotage, that I slip into speaking and writing in foreign languages when communicating with friends and family. Eu temo que eles pensem que estou sendo um pouco poseur ...  e me exibindo com licença ... er, excuse me again. People are looking at me strangely even more strangely, what can you suggest?

Richard of Richard's Bass Bag.

Well 'Richard of Richard's Bass Bag' may I suggest that the way that you introduce yourself, before you become that multi-lingual poseur, is a bit of a wank? Richard of Richard's Bass Bag indeed! What's wrong with you? And, what the hell is a bass bag? Why don't you carry a handbag - or a man's bag like all those other old nancies? I'd drop all that foreign language stuff if I were you and concentrate on remembering words in English before you really succumb to that dotage.

Yours, in the spirit of being helpful, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I DON'T KNOW WHY ...

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Last evening I was making a cup of tea for supper and fancied a hot cross bun which I knew was in the pantry. I took the bun out and cut it in two to warm in the microwave oven. At this stage I should tell you that I hadn't put the main kitchen light on. As I warmed the bun I noticed a couple of sultanas on the bench that had obviously fallen out of the bun and I popped these into my moth. One was sweet as a sultana or raisin should be, the other wasn't. I then recalled that my partner had sprayed fly-spray earlier and I saw a couple of dead flies on the window ledge. One of the 'sultanas' I'd eaten must have been a dead fly!

I gagged but it was too late. I'd eaten it. I suddenly had flash-back images of Jeff Goldblum as The Fly.

Will I turn into one?

Yours in worry

Pter Onarcophobia

Dear Pter

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune but it did give me a laugh.

Have you heard that nursery rhyme of the old lady who swallowed a fly? I certainly hope that you don't decide to eat a spider now. Listen to the rhyme and you'll see that it doesn't end well. Ha ha.

On a serious note there's not a lot that I can advise. Just man up and get over it and, oh by the way, when you hear your partner spraying fly-killer again - best to stay away OK?

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER CARVIN THROBLE?

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

I'm contacting you because I feel neglected. My creator, who dreamed me up back in January 2076 - sorry, that's my time zone - January 2022, promised that he would tell my story and keep everyone updated. After three posts on his blog this fizzled out and the old guy got distracted - at first talking about a parallel universe and then his posts morphed into stories about cycling, religion and some pretty weird music stuff.

I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all but is this fair?

- Carvin Throble - Swordsman.

Dear Carvin

So, it's all about you is it? "I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all" you whine. Look Carpin, I don't think you're the sharpest cutlass in the arsenal. Your creator, who clearly suffers from ADHD simply forgot about you. Think yourself lucky. Given his propensity for writing weird posts about his toilet habits and obsessive compulsive compunction to play with silly stringed instruments over and over he could have given you a banjo or a ukulele instead of a cool sword.

Get over it.

Yours in the hope that this advice is helpful.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

p.s. That Putin look you've adopted in your avatar is plain silly. You've obviously sucked in your tummy (as he does) to disguise your man boobs. You should put a shirt on.

NO!

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

At tennis yesterday the topic of discussion turned to women and Rod said that 'a friend of his' had a recurring fantasy of having sex with a mother and daughter at the same time. I think that he thought this was in his head and he surprised himself by saying it out loud.

One of the women in the group looked over at him and said "Rod, in your case I'd be fantasising about the grandmothers".

Anyway, why are women so mean to men (and why are grandmothers starting to look more attractive)?

- Justin Kwisitiv

Dear Justin

I think you are being influenced by that old schoolteacher you know into having imaginary friends. This 'Rod' isn't real is he? I mean, why would he be named Rod? At least that old schoolteacher comes up with interesting names for his imaginary friends. Does this gerontophilia you seem to be developing have anything to do with the fact that you can't run very fast anymore mmm? If so, and you do manage to catch an old dame I suggest that you don't entertain her with sexist jokes like you were heard to say at that same tennis outing when you said, and I quote: 

"They say that women's work is never done. That's why they don't get paid as much as men."

Get over yourself (given that you're unlikely to get over anyone else).

Yours in the spirit of being helpful,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

A MEASURING TAPE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm an integral part of a blogging community and make an effort to post daily and sometimes write two or three posts on the one day.

The others in this community are not making the effort and, when they do produce a post, it's unworthy. One old guy's latest post was about his measuring tape for fuck's sake! And that post was three days ago and there's been no follow up.

Another 'contributor' although his blog is more like a blackhole sucking the life out of everything around it, writes mainly about fictitious heavenly beings and what he's cooking for dinner. Also for fuck's sake, he writes 'rice risotto' as if there was some other type of risotto. Sheesh!

Have you any suggestions?

P. Rigg

Dear prig, sorry, Mr P. Rigg

Life isn't perfect. If it was then I wouldn't be forced to scratch out a living by listening to whiny little bitches like you who want a quick fix to their insignificant 'first world' problems. Get a grip on yourself (and I don't mean that although you probably are one). 

There are doers and there are the rest in this world. It does seem that you are a doer although what the hell you do is open to interpretation. The others clearly are the rest but, think about this -  maybe it's best that the other guys in the blogging community limit their output if it is as bad as you suggest. Do you really want to hear, every day, about measuring tapes and froggy things on double basses? Will it really help if that other guy learns something about culinary nomenclature? There's no way of shutting up religious nutters as they just bang on and on and on about made-up things so - suck it up.

I trust that this helps

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.