BROKEN DOWN

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I've been having trouble with my car recently and yesterday it broke down. It stopped, dead ,never to go again when ..... well, you know the rest.

I've bragged a bit about this car over the years, it being a mighty Mitsubishi and all and it has matched my personality. I'll have to get another car as replacement. Can you suggest a good match?

- Richard of Richards Bass Bag*

* The original bass bagging site.

Well Dick, may I call you Dick, you certainly act like one with that "original bass bagging site" nonsense? You're looking for a car that matches your personality then?

It seems that the current one has done that quite well - old, knocked about a bit, wheezy, leaks vital and other fluids, a bit grubby and clapped out - it'll be a hard act to follow son.

I had a look at this 'bass bagging' blog of yours and see that it's not just you that needs to be considered in the 'personality' of the said vehicle -it's the other nutters oddballs characters that make up the whole.

Let's break them down ..... oops, sorry about that ...... let's take them one by one:

Akish the Philistine. 

Mmm, this might be tricky. I guess that chariots can't be registered nowadays but going by the modern definition of philistine which is:  a person who is guided by materialism and is usually disdainful of intellectual or artistic values we could then look at some sort of pretend souped up bogan vehicle which is in keeping with your environment. Let's park that for a moment (you see what I did there?).

Angry Jesus.

This is a bit easier than the philistine's as Jesus is a more universal and flexible character. It's the 'angry' part that could be a problem. This suggests road rage and maybe a bogan-type vehicle again. Something that looks powerful and menacing but not suggesting intelligence - one of those 'tradies' utes might do.

Bin's Bass Bag.

I researched what this type of character drives and, guess what? I came up with clapped out Japanese sedans and utes, normally cut down and with a machine gun installed. Luckily for you this isn't a million miles away from the suggested vehicle for that Jesus and the philistine character.

Phillip Edward Niss.

This guy sounds like a real dick, pardon the association. His likely vehicle of choice is something that enhances his self esteem with a long bonnet but without any real grunt. One of these silly, mid-life crisis sports cars should do - a BMW Z series or a Mazda MX5

Richard's Bass Bag 2.

This one is unnecessary baggage, overblown and interfering so a 'Remuera Tractor' type - one of those 4WD vehicles that never see a farm would be suitable. We could combine that with Angry Jesus's tradies ute.

Richard's Bass Bag 3.
If Richard's Bass Bag 2 was superfluous then this one is positively redundant.

It could be handy for shopping trip type activities so a small hatch back car could do - not to flash and power isn't too much of an issue so a granny car like a Mazda Demio or a Suzuki Swift will do.

Shaw Thing.

Now this guy is boring. Really boring. The best vehicle I can think of for him is a Morris Minor or a Hillman Hunter but these are becoming hard to find. Maybe an old  Mini van or an early model Toyota Corolla would do,

I looked at the other blog identities and most of these haven't been used. I don't think that they could be trusted with a motor vehicle anyway given that they would need bicycles with training wheels.

So, in summary, we are looking at some sort of 'tradies' ute but an underpowered one that has a lot of silly and fancy crap added like spoilers, racing stripes, tinted windows and those fat exhaust pipes that the bogans like. Something in a 'granny

 colour like puce, pea-soup green or dull yellow is ideal.

If a sedan is preferred then an old Misubishi Diamante, black coloured might just fit the bill ....... hey! Are you sure you don't want to just get your car repaired?

I trust that this helps.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

NEVER LET THE TRUTH GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm looking for help and don't know who I can turn to as I've been let down by so many people.

I'm actually in hiding at present after a harrowing week.

First off I threw a party on Thursday for some old pals. It started off OK but they all got pissed and a bit obnoxious. They started making fun of me saying "We love you JC. We love you so much we could eat you all up. Eat your body and drink your blood." Weird. I threw them out but next morning Five-O came looking for me. It seems that Judas and some others ratted me out over a few things I was bragging about, you know, skiting about my dad and how young my mum still looks. I think it was when I told them about shagging Mags that they turned sour. Jealousy I guess.

So Five O drags me off  to the Guv'nor who has a bit of a hangover too and didn't really want to know. He told them to slap me about a bit and then to cruise by later to tell him how that went. I guess they were a bit hungover themselves or hard of hearing because they crucified me instead. That was bloody painful I can tell you. It went on for a while and I went to sleep after having had a hard night. When I woke up some idiots had locked me in a cave. I was stuck there all Friday night and all day Saturday. 

On Sunday morning someone opened up the cave and I thought all was well but it turned out to be Mag's dad and his brothers who tried to murder me. Bastards. I managed to get away when dad, I mean Uncle Joseph came by and rescued me. He told me to hide and that he and his brothers would invent some story about how I mysteriously evaporated or something. To be honest old Uncle Joe is a bit on the thick side.

To make a long story short I don't trust my 'uncle' either as I think he suspects something about mum and dad. Anyway, what do you think? What should I do?

- JC,

Dear JC

Are you kidding me?

Your story is gold.  If that were mine I'd be making capital, lots of capital out of it. I'd syndicate it, I'd ....... hey! You don't want a partner do you? I know some guys who fancy themselves as scribes. They'd be happy to ghost-write your life story if you cut them in on the profits. I know that Matt and Mark are pretty good. Luke tends to plagiarise a bit but it kind of gives the whole thing credibility if the punters don't know that they're connected. John can put a mean sentence together but he gets a bit spacey after ingesting those mushrooms but he will appeal to the younger set.

Get your people to contact my people and we'll work out a deal. OK?

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

TAKING THE .... SORRY ... A PISS

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

As I've gotten older I find that I need to get up in the middle of the night to go for a pee. This isn't a problem in the warmer months but now that it's getting colder I don't like having to leave a warm bed to shuffle along the passage to the bathroom. Am I right or am I wrong?

 - James Riddle

Dear Jimmy

You need to face the fact that this is going to get worse. If you are only having to get up once during the night then you are lucky. Expect soon for the frequency of urination to double or even triple. Fortunately there's a little trick that I can tell you of.

Long distance truck drivers and elderly relieving (pun not intended) schoolteachers use this: They keep an empty bottle close to hand and, when needed, pee into it. This works very well but I must warn you of some dangers:

• Make sure that you select a bottle that has a big enough spout to pee into. In your case Jimmy, I'm sure that a wine bottle will do.
• Make sure that you empty the wine bottle regularly and not to get it mixed up with any bottles of real wine you no doubt have (given your propensity to pee so much) around the place.
• If the wine bottle has no label that won't be a problem as clean skin wines taste like piss anyway.
• Make sure that you securely screw the cap on the bottle particularly if you keep it in your bed after doing the business.

I trust that this has been helpful.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.