NEVER LET THE TRUTH GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm looking for help and don't know who I can turn to as I've been let down by so many people.

I'm actually in hiding at present after a harrowing week.

First off I threw a party on Thursday for some old pals. It started off OK but they all got pissed and a bit obnoxious. They started making fun of me saying "We love you JC. We love you so much we could eat you all up. Eat your body and drink your blood." Weird. I threw them out but next morning Five-O came looking for me. It seems that Judas and some others ratted me out over a few things I was bragging about, you know, skiting about my dad and how young my mum still looks. I think it was when I told them about shagging Mags that they turned sour. Jealousy I guess.

So Five O drags me off  to the Guv'nor who has a bit of a hangover too and didn't really want to know. He told them to slap me about a bit and then to cruise by later to tell him how that went. I guess they were a bit hungover themselves or hard of hearing because they crucified me instead. That was bloody painful I can tell you. It went on for a while and I went to sleep after having had a hard night. When I woke up some idiots had locked me in a cave. I was stuck there all Friday night and all day Saturday. 

On Sunday morning someone opened up the cave and I thought all was well but it turned out to be Mag's dad and his brothers who tried to murder me. Bastards. I managed to get away when dad, I mean Uncle Joseph came by and rescued me. He told me to hide and that he and his brothers would invent some story about how I mysteriously evaporated or something. To be honest old Uncle Joe is a bit on the thick side.

To make a long story short I don't trust my 'uncle' either as I think he suspects something about mum and dad. Anyway, what do you think? What should I do?

- JC,

Dear JC

Are you kidding me?

Your story is gold.  If that were mine I'd be making capital, lots of capital out of it. I'd syndicate it, I'd ....... hey! You don't want a partner do you? I know some guys who fancy themselves as scribes. They'd be happy to ghost-write your life story if you cut them in on the profits. I know that Matt and Mark are pretty good. Luke tends to plagiarise a bit but it kind of gives the whole thing credibility if the punters don't know that they're connected. John can put a mean sentence together but he gets a bit spacey after ingesting those mushrooms but he will appeal to the younger set.

Get your people to contact my people and we'll work out a deal. OK?

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.