BROKEN DOWN

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I've been having trouble with my car recently and yesterday it broke down. It stopped, dead ,never to go again when ..... well, you know the rest.

I've bragged a bit about this car over the years, it being a mighty Mitsubishi and all and it has matched my personality. I'll have to get another car as replacement. Can you suggest a good match?

- Richard of Richards Bass Bag*

* The original bass bagging site.

Well Dick, may I call you Dick, you certainly act like one with that "original bass bagging site" nonsense? You're looking for a car that matches your personality then?

It seems that the current one has done that quite well - old, knocked about a bit, wheezy, leaks vital and other fluids, a bit grubby and clapped out - it'll be a hard act to follow son.

I had a look at this 'bass bagging' blog of yours and see that it's not just you that needs to be considered in the 'personality' of the said vehicle -it's the other nutters oddballs characters that make up the whole.

Let's break them down ..... oops, sorry about that ...... let's take them one by one:

Akish the Philistine. 

Mmm, this might be tricky. I guess that chariots can't be registered nowadays but going by the modern definition of philistine which is:  a person who is guided by materialism and is usually disdainful of intellectual or artistic values we could then look at some sort of pretend souped up bogan vehicle which is in keeping with your environment. Let's park that for a moment (you see what I did there?).

Angry Jesus.

This is a bit easier than the philistine's as Jesus is a more universal and flexible character. It's the 'angry' part that could be a problem. This suggests road rage and maybe a bogan-type vehicle again. Something that looks powerful and menacing but not suggesting intelligence - one of those 'tradies' utes might do.

Bin's Bass Bag.

I researched what this type of character drives and, guess what? I came up with clapped out Japanese sedans and utes, normally cut down and with a machine gun installed. Luckily for you this isn't a million miles away from the suggested vehicle for that Jesus and the philistine character.

Phillip Edward Niss.

This guy sounds like a real dick, pardon the association. His likely vehicle of choice is something that enhances his self esteem with a long bonnet but without any real grunt. One of these silly, mid-life crisis sports cars should do - a BMW Z series or a Mazda MX5

Richard's Bass Bag 2.

This one is unnecessary baggage, overblown and interfering so a 'Remuera Tractor' type - one of those 4WD vehicles that never see a farm would be suitable. We could combine that with Angry Jesus's tradies ute.

Richard's Bass Bag 3.
If Richard's Bass Bag 2 was superfluous then this one is positively redundant.

It could be handy for shopping trip type activities so a small hatch back car could do - not to flash and power isn't too much of an issue so a granny car like a Mazda Demio or a Suzuki Swift will do.

Shaw Thing.

Now this guy is boring. Really boring. The best vehicle I can think of for him is a Morris Minor or a Hillman Hunter but these are becoming hard to find. Maybe an old  Mini van or an early model Toyota Corolla would do,

I looked at the other blog identities and most of these haven't been used. I don't think that they could be trusted with a motor vehicle anyway given that they would need bicycles with training wheels.

So, in summary, we are looking at some sort of 'tradies' ute but an underpowered one that has a lot of silly and fancy crap added like spoilers, racing stripes, tinted windows and those fat exhaust pipes that the bogans like. Something in a 'granny

 colour like puce, pea-soup green or dull yellow is ideal.

If a sedan is preferred then an old Misubishi Diamante, black coloured might just fit the bill ....... hey! Are you sure you don't want to just get your car repaired?

I trust that this helps.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.