I DON'T KNOW WHY ...

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Last evening I was making a cup of tea for supper and fancied a hot cross bun which I knew was in the pantry. I took the bun out and cut it in two to warm in the microwave oven. At this stage I should tell you that I hadn't put the main kitchen light on. As I warmed the bun I noticed a couple of sultanas on the bench that had obviously fallen out of the bun and I popped these into my moth. One was sweet as a sultana or raisin should be, the other wasn't. I then recalled that my partner had sprayed fly-spray earlier and I saw a couple of dead flies on the window ledge. One of the 'sultanas' I'd eaten must have been a dead fly!

I gagged but it was too late. I'd eaten it. I suddenly had flash-back images of Jeff Goldblum as The Fly.

Will I turn into one?

Yours in worry

Pter Onarcophobia

Dear Pter

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune but it did give me a laugh.

Have you heard that nursery rhyme of the old lady who swallowed a fly? I certainly hope that you don't decide to eat a spider now. Listen to the rhyme and you'll see that it doesn't end well. Ha ha.

On a serious note there's not a lot that I can advise. Just man up and get over it and, oh by the way, when you hear your partner spraying fly-killer again - best to stay away OK?

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER CARVIN THROBLE?

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

I'm contacting you because I feel neglected. My creator, who dreamed me up back in January 2076 - sorry, that's my time zone - January 2022, promised that he would tell my story and keep everyone updated. After three posts on his blog this fizzled out and the old guy got distracted - at first talking about a parallel universe and then his posts morphed into stories about cycling, religion and some pretty weird music stuff.

I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all but is this fair?

- Carvin Throble - Swordsman.

Dear Carvin

So, it's all about you is it? "I don't want to gripe, I am a swordsman after all" you whine. Look Carpin, I don't think you're the sharpest cutlass in the arsenal. Your creator, who clearly suffers from ADHD simply forgot about you. Think yourself lucky. Given his propensity for writing weird posts about his toilet habits and obsessive compulsive compunction to play with silly stringed instruments over and over he could have given you a banjo or a ukulele instead of a cool sword.

Get over it.

Yours in the hope that this advice is helpful.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

p.s. That Putin look you've adopted in your avatar is plain silly. You've obviously sucked in your tummy (as he does) to disguise your man boobs. You should put a shirt on.

NO!

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

At tennis yesterday the topic of discussion turned to women and Rod said that 'a friend of his' had a recurring fantasy of having sex with a mother and daughter at the same time. I think that he thought this was in his head and he surprised himself by saying it out loud.

One of the women in the group looked over at him and said "Rod, in your case I'd be fantasising about the grandmothers".

Anyway, why are women so mean to men (and why are grandmothers starting to look more attractive)?

- Justin Kwisitiv

Dear Justin

I think you are being influenced by that old schoolteacher you know into having imaginary friends. This 'Rod' isn't real is he? I mean, why would he be named Rod? At least that old schoolteacher comes up with interesting names for his imaginary friends. Does this gerontophilia you seem to be developing have anything to do with the fact that you can't run very fast anymore mmm? If so, and you do manage to catch an old dame I suggest that you don't entertain her with sexist jokes like you were heard to say at that same tennis outing when you said, and I quote: 

"They say that women's work is never done. That's why they don't get paid as much as men."

Get over yourself (given that you're unlikely to get over anyone else).

Yours in the spirit of being helpful,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

A MEASURING TAPE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm an integral part of a blogging community and make an effort to post daily and sometimes write two or three posts on the one day.

The others in this community are not making the effort and, when they do produce a post, it's unworthy. One old guy's latest post was about his measuring tape for fuck's sake! And that post was three days ago and there's been no follow up.

Another 'contributor' although his blog is more like a blackhole sucking the life out of everything around it, writes mainly about fictitious heavenly beings and what he's cooking for dinner. Also for fuck's sake, he writes 'rice risotto' as if there was some other type of risotto. Sheesh!

Have you any suggestions?

P. Rigg

Dear prig, sorry, Mr P. Rigg

Life isn't perfect. If it was then I wouldn't be forced to scratch out a living by listening to whiny little bitches like you who want a quick fix to their insignificant 'first world' problems. Get a grip on yourself (and I don't mean that although you probably are one). 

There are doers and there are the rest in this world. It does seem that you are a doer although what the hell you do is open to interpretation. The others clearly are the rest but, think about this -  maybe it's best that the other guys in the blogging community limit their output if it is as bad as you suggest. Do you really want to hear, every day, about measuring tapes and froggy things on double basses? Will it really help if that other guy learns something about culinary nomenclature? There's no way of shutting up religious nutters as they just bang on and on and on about made-up things so - suck it up.

I trust that this helps

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I have some friends who are showing worrying trends of violence and don't know if I should intervene or not.

One, let's call him Richard - well, it is his name after all, used to be such a nice affable jovial   ..... no, to be honest he's been a gruff old bastard for years but he is kind to people. Yesterday he fantasised about ...... no, not the normal ones ...  about attacking young people with a sledge hammer!

The other, named Robert goes about telling everyone that he loves them ..... no. he's not one of those .... he's a Christian and, even worse, a Catholic. He bangs on about god, forgiveness and how enticing the Virgin Mary's thighs are if you catch them at the right viewing angle. Well, I've discovered that he has a secret life - an obsession perhaps of playing extremely violent console video games involving imaginary warfare scenarios. He also builds static models portraying car crashes and airplane disasters. 

In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye - what's going on?

Ima Gentleperson

Dear Ima

Don't worry about this, it's just the way the world is going. Your friend Richard is merely acting out the frustrations that he's had building up all his life from being kind to people. No doubt many of the people that he's been kind to haven't returned the favour or even said thanks. Let him go haywire with his hammer (as long as he doesn't come after me). What's the worse that can happen mmm? He belts a few young people? Well, let me tell you Miss bleeding heart Ima , most young people I know need a good belting. Many young people are so pampered nowadays that they've forgotten that there's such a thing as walking, and they spend all their time in cars and on buses and unless they do something, the future for walking is very poor indeed. They’re out-of-touch hipsters who spend too much on coffee and too little on facial hair care. Many are spoiled, entitled, or both. Whither are the manly vigour and athletic appearance of our forefathers flown? Can these be their legitimate heirs? Surely, no; a race of effeminate, self-admiring, emaciated fribbles can never have descended in a direct line from the heroes of yesteryear. The tragic truth is that the young people of today are a bunch of phone-addicted, selfie-obsessed, hashtagging, snapchatting, kale-munching, twerking, lazy, whining, ill-informed, politically correct, cossetted narcissists who find absolutely everything mortally offensive and believe there are 165 ways to sexually identify. And, as for that Catholic guy Robert I think you should be glad that he's showing some balls - I hope he's not still doing that in public - and admitting, albeit just to himself that this namby-pamby "I love you all" Christian bullshit has no place in today's society. Let him shoot up Jerries, commies and futuristic monsters to his little heart's content. At least it keeps him off the streets and away from me mmm? It's the obsession with the Virgin Mary that bothers me though. Does he know that she was only 14 when that dirty old Holy Ghost 'did the business'?*

I trust that this has been helpful. As ever yours,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

* IT'S BUSINESS TIME

YEE HAW!

YEE HAW

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I take exception to what that guy Sal said earlier - about us bein' idiots'n all. What does he know about us good ol' boys whiskey and rye? Huh?

He came on to our chat colums and started talkin' about spirits with no alcohol and shit like that. Sheet! We had to kick his ass boy.

It kinda reminds me when a buddy of mine - Ken - had a bit of trouble with another keewee. We kicked his ass too as I 'member. Ken had a good lil thing going he called his corner and this B**sh***er kinda f***ed it up with his silliness. Hey! We kicked his ass man - or did I tell you that?

Sheeeit, life's good.

- Bodacious Colrouge

Dear Bodacious

Is that your name? Really? 

Yo' daddy musta hated you boy!

Ha ha, never mind my 'patois'.

As much as I despise you and everything you most probably stand for including your support of Trump, your attitudes to women, your god beliefs, your stance against the LGBT movement and abortion rights - I agree with you about that silly twat who wrote in earlier. I mean, who would have more than one Facebook account? It's enough of a bloody invasion of privacy just having one and then you can never get rid of the damned thing. I know someone who will remain nameless ....... actually his name's Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner (he's a Catholic) ....... who gets all of his news from Facebook. That and Fox News - maybe you know him?

Keep up your 'good ol' boy' lifestyle as that high strength Bourbon, high fat takeaway diet and sedentary lifestyle will likely kill you soon - if you don't blow your stupid head off with a firearm when you're drunk.

Yours sincerely

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I have a problem ..... ha ha, I guess I wouldn't be writing to you if I didn't have a problem ..... what a hoot!

Anyhoo, I've recently opened up a couple of Facebook accounts and have subscribed to some community groups- you know, local craft groups, discussion groups, community services and stuff. Are you with me? Well, when I post something or comment, for some reason I annoy people and get into on-going arguments with strangers. It gets to the point where the administrators, those small minded dullards, delist me from the groups when all I've been trying to do is show the idiots in the discussion threads what effing morons they are. How unfair is that?

Have you any advice for me?

Sal. F. Rytchus.

Dear Sal

Yes, I've 'met' people like you on social media and, frankly Sal, I don't like you or them. Were you the one who criticised me for liking those nice little video clips of the puppies? Mmm? Or maybe you gave me a hard time for saying that I liked the Barry Manilow concert I went to. Just because I like my wines to have no labels on them doesn't give you the right to say that I've got no taste you stuck-up  bastard!

I think you should get a life and stop hiding behind those made-up Facebook accounts you twerp.

I hope that this is helpful.

Your sincerely

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

A TALE THAT'S BURSTING TO BE TOLD

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I've noticed that my post writing is becoming more turgid of late. When I previously wrote about my loves - Jesus and his virgin mother Mary, I used simple and reverential terms like 'blessed', 'saintly' and 'lovely'. Now I find myself using terms like 'throbbing', 'bursting' and 'immense' as evidenced in my recent posts where I said:

"As I sat Jesus showed me the immensity of his creation. He showed me an ornate throne of indescribable proportion. Truly His kingdom is unimaginably big."

and:

"St Faustina could have Jesus in her body all week after communion."

and:

"Jesus likes us to admire his mother. Wouldn't you."

Do you think that this is appropriate language when directed to the one true God and his mother?

- Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner. 

Dear Robert the apath..... bugger that, I'll just call you Sparky OK? 

Well Sparky, I'm glad that you contacted me about this because ..... what the fuck's wrong with you? Can't you see that you're wrong in this? There's no bloody God, gods, deities or God's mothers sitting anywhere let alone in a mythological heaven. Get a bloody grip man.

Also, if there was, your 'turgid' (I like that word) language, which you rightly surmise is a bit inappropriate and more suited to those ghastly Mills and Boon books and the plethora of erotic fiction that has appeared lately (probably due to Covid lockdowns) is hardly the way you should revere your heroes. Would you speak like that to Spiderman? I'm sure that you'd be embarrassed addressing the Easter Bunny in those terms. Superman or Thor would probably belt you one if you suggested their mothers were MILFs.

Look Sparky, I suggest that you get your mind out of the gutter and start reading some decent literature (not C.S. Lewis and other repressed catholics). My recommendation is John Le Carré - generally cultured with a sensible amount of action and no mention of imaginary friends.

Yours, truly, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

BROKEN DOWN

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I've been having trouble with my car recently and yesterday it broke down. It stopped, dead ,never to go again when ..... well, you know the rest.

I've bragged a bit about this car over the years, it being a mighty Mitsubishi and all and it has matched my personality. I'll have to get another car as replacement. Can you suggest a good match?

- Richard of Richards Bass Bag*

* The original bass bagging site.

Well Dick, may I call you Dick, you certainly act like one with that "original bass bagging site" nonsense? You're looking for a car that matches your personality then?

It seems that the current one has done that quite well - old, knocked about a bit, wheezy, leaks vital and other fluids, a bit grubby and clapped out - it'll be a hard act to follow son.

I had a look at this 'bass bagging' blog of yours and see that it's not just you that needs to be considered in the 'personality' of the said vehicle -it's the other nutters oddballs characters that make up the whole.

Let's break them down ..... oops, sorry about that ...... let's take them one by one:

Akish the Philistine. 

Mmm, this might be tricky. I guess that chariots can't be registered nowadays but going by the modern definition of philistine which is:  a person who is guided by materialism and is usually disdainful of intellectual or artistic values we could then look at some sort of pretend souped up bogan vehicle which is in keeping with your environment. Let's park that for a moment (you see what I did there?).

Angry Jesus.

This is a bit easier than the philistine's as Jesus is a more universal and flexible character. It's the 'angry' part that could be a problem. This suggests road rage and maybe a bogan-type vehicle again. Something that looks powerful and menacing but not suggesting intelligence - one of those 'tradies' utes might do.

Bin's Bass Bag.

I researched what this type of character drives and, guess what? I came up with clapped out Japanese sedans and utes, normally cut down and with a machine gun installed. Luckily for you this isn't a million miles away from the suggested vehicle for that Jesus and the philistine character.

Phillip Edward Niss.

This guy sounds like a real dick, pardon the association. His likely vehicle of choice is something that enhances his self esteem with a long bonnet but without any real grunt. One of these silly, mid-life crisis sports cars should do - a BMW Z series or a Mazda MX5

Richard's Bass Bag 2.

This one is unnecessary baggage, overblown and interfering so a 'Remuera Tractor' type - one of those 4WD vehicles that never see a farm would be suitable. We could combine that with Angry Jesus's tradies ute.

Richard's Bass Bag 3.
If Richard's Bass Bag 2 was superfluous then this one is positively redundant.

It could be handy for shopping trip type activities so a small hatch back car could do - not to flash and power isn't too much of an issue so a granny car like a Mazda Demio or a Suzuki Swift will do.

Shaw Thing.

Now this guy is boring. Really boring. The best vehicle I can think of for him is a Morris Minor or a Hillman Hunter but these are becoming hard to find. Maybe an old  Mini van or an early model Toyota Corolla would do,

I looked at the other blog identities and most of these haven't been used. I don't think that they could be trusted with a motor vehicle anyway given that they would need bicycles with training wheels.

So, in summary, we are looking at some sort of 'tradies' ute but an underpowered one that has a lot of silly and fancy crap added like spoilers, racing stripes, tinted windows and those fat exhaust pipes that the bogans like. Something in a 'granny

 colour like puce, pea-soup green or dull yellow is ideal.

If a sedan is preferred then an old Misubishi Diamante, black coloured might just fit the bill ....... hey! Are you sure you don't want to just get your car repaired?

I trust that this helps.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

NEVER LET THE TRUTH GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm looking for help and don't know who I can turn to as I've been let down by so many people.

I'm actually in hiding at present after a harrowing week.

First off I threw a party on Thursday for some old pals. It started off OK but they all got pissed and a bit obnoxious. They started making fun of me saying "We love you JC. We love you so much we could eat you all up. Eat your body and drink your blood." Weird. I threw them out but next morning Five-O came looking for me. It seems that Judas and some others ratted me out over a few things I was bragging about, you know, skiting about my dad and how young my mum still looks. I think it was when I told them about shagging Mags that they turned sour. Jealousy I guess.

So Five O drags me off  to the Guv'nor who has a bit of a hangover too and didn't really want to know. He told them to slap me about a bit and then to cruise by later to tell him how that went. I guess they were a bit hungover themselves or hard of hearing because they crucified me instead. That was bloody painful I can tell you. It went on for a while and I went to sleep after having had a hard night. When I woke up some idiots had locked me in a cave. I was stuck there all Friday night and all day Saturday. 

On Sunday morning someone opened up the cave and I thought all was well but it turned out to be Mag's dad and his brothers who tried to murder me. Bastards. I managed to get away when dad, I mean Uncle Joseph came by and rescued me. He told me to hide and that he and his brothers would invent some story about how I mysteriously evaporated or something. To be honest old Uncle Joe is a bit on the thick side.

To make a long story short I don't trust my 'uncle' either as I think he suspects something about mum and dad. Anyway, what do you think? What should I do?

- JC,

Dear JC

Are you kidding me?

Your story is gold.  If that were mine I'd be making capital, lots of capital out of it. I'd syndicate it, I'd ....... hey! You don't want a partner do you? I know some guys who fancy themselves as scribes. They'd be happy to ghost-write your life story if you cut them in on the profits. I know that Matt and Mark are pretty good. Luke tends to plagiarise a bit but it kind of gives the whole thing credibility if the punters don't know that they're connected. John can put a mean sentence together but he gets a bit spacey after ingesting those mushrooms but he will appeal to the younger set.

Get your people to contact my people and we'll work out a deal. OK?

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

TAKING THE .... SORRY ... A PISS

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

As I've gotten older I find that I need to get up in the middle of the night to go for a pee. This isn't a problem in the warmer months but now that it's getting colder I don't like having to leave a warm bed to shuffle along the passage to the bathroom. Am I right or am I wrong?

 - James Riddle

Dear Jimmy

You need to face the fact that this is going to get worse. If you are only having to get up once during the night then you are lucky. Expect soon for the frequency of urination to double or even triple. Fortunately there's a little trick that I can tell you of.

Long distance truck drivers and elderly relieving (pun not intended) schoolteachers use this: They keep an empty bottle close to hand and, when needed, pee into it. This works very well but I must warn you of some dangers:

• Make sure that you select a bottle that has a big enough spout to pee into. In your case Jimmy, I'm sure that a wine bottle will do.
• Make sure that you empty the wine bottle regularly and not to get it mixed up with any bottles of real wine you no doubt have (given your propensity to pee so much) around the place.
• If the wine bottle has no label that won't be a problem as clean skin wines taste like piss anyway.
• Make sure that you securely screw the cap on the bottle particularly if you keep it in your bed after doing the business.

I trust that this has been helpful.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.