HATS ALL FOLKS

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt I'm excited, really excited. I just bought myself a new hat. This is the first 'proper' hat that I've ever bought. I think it makes me look cool. It makes me look like Paul Newman or Robert Redford or, even, James Dean. I'll be beating women off with a stick. Here's a pic. What do you think?

- Hat Boy 

 Dear Hat Boy. Is that what you think? Really? Look, I don't want to take the wind out of your sails but sartorial elegance isn't in your repertoire, OK? And as for Paul Newman, Robert Redford and James Dean, those guys looked good with or without hats. They were fucking handsome dudes. You seem to have a strange idea of what women like. The only 'beating off' that you will be doing will be in the privacy of your bedroom. 

 Yours, with the intention of being helpful, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

UNINFORMED IN A SPECIAL AREA OF KNOWLEDGE

 Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I know someone who used to work in the wine industry and who writes a wine blog. He knows a lot about wine and in his blog posts uses high falutin' language to describe the wines he's tried. These wines are usually far too expensive for the normal person to buy and quite frankly, horrible. Once I saved up to buy one of the wines he dribbled on about. It was an Australian shiraz - Black Pepper something or other. It cost a fortune! I tried it and it was too damn thick. I don't know where that pepper stuff came from in the name as I couldn't taste any of that. all I could taste was red wine. Thick red wine. It was too dark to see through as well. I prefer my own choices which I buy at Pak 'n Save, usually from the specials bin and never more than $10 a bottle. Am I wrong?

- Phyllis Steine.

Dear Phyllis. No, no, you're not wrong À chacun son goût I say or, in your language "I know what I like so there."

If it weren't for you and people like you then where would we be eh? It would be near impossible to get a table booking at a good restaurant and the car parks in decent supermarkets like Farro Fresh and Moore Wilson would be full (like Pak 'n Save). The shelves of these would be stripped bare of decent cheeses, meats, breads and vegetables and we'd all be forced to eat that fast food shit that you no doubt love. This is why McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, Nandos and all those other poison factories exist - to cater to you and your ilk. If it weren't for you and yours then wine shop shelves would not be able to keep up with stocking decent, well made (and labelled) wine. It's no accident that most of the wine industries offerings are in bag-in-the-box format or in cheap sub $10 bottle packaging with 'cleanskins' being ever more popular. This is so discerning people can go about purchasing their preferred beverages in a quiet and orderly manner while you lot squabble and fight over the cheap shit on special.

No, you're not wrong. Carry on as you are.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

AMARONE OR CHIANTI?

 Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I live in a pristine part of the country, by the water in a beautiful bay.

Occasionally some scrote of a fisherman catches snapper and fillets them while on his boat and drops the fish frames - head, skeleton, tail and some other 'meat' - into the water which end up on the shoreline.

How do I stop this from happening?

 - Philip A. O'Phisch

Dear Philip. I'm sorry to hear of your little problem but the answer is in a word you used. Fillet.

I suggest you buy or 'procure' as sesquipedalian Robert says, a very sharp filleting knife.

Lie in wait until you see the offending fisherman step onshore and, with a deft stroke or two, remove his liver. Quickly pan-fried this can be served with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

CARNAL KNOWLEDGE

 I like this. It's well in keeping with The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SHOULD I?

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,
While this lockdown is proving to be no problem at all for me and my missus I'm getting more and more pissed off at the activities of one of our neighbours. They - the house owner upstairs and the tenant downstairs are seeming to be flouting the lockdown rules with their coming and going (away at nights) and having other people visit.
I'm not 'that guy' who 'dobs' people in but do wonder if I should do something.

- N. Parker


Dear N. Parker. While you say that you aren't "'that guy' who 'dobs' people in" are you sure that you aren't, really? History has shown that in times of national and international crisis there are groups of people who side with the state and use the power of informing to pay back people who they have had previous problems with. Don't be that person unless of course they become a danger to you, the general public AND ESPECIALLY TO ME.

LA-DI-DA

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

My wife has an older friend who she has known longer than me (nearly 40 years) who has acted as a kind of mentor to her. This friend, now in her 70s is at times a bit opinionated and a bit alternative in her thinking. She is very intelligent I admit but I feel that she is pretentious and that her somewhat bohemian and overt behaviour is a put-on to get attention. I daren't say this (again) to my wife as it caused problems some years ago when I mentioned this. What do you suggest?

                                                                                                                   - Judgemental

Dear Judgemental. You aren't going to win this one I'm afraid so 'suck it up'. Your judgemental attitude might be telling us something about you though - mmmm?
I suggest that you ignore your annoyance and find excuses not to be around when this older friend visits or when in potential social settings. Dying is good.

CHASING PUSSY (CATS)

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

I have a problem that seems to be getting worse.
For a while now, when I see an attractive woman I say "woof".
It used to be that I said this to myself, in my head, but more recently I've been saying it out loud.
This is increasing in volume to the point that people are starting to notice. I don't have Tourette Syndrome so cannot blame that if anyone takes offence.
So far my wife hasn't noticed this but it's only a matter of time before I say "Woof" out loud when I'm out with her. She is very observant and will immediately realise that I was looking at an attractive woman before I 'barked'.
What am I to do?

                                                                                                 - Cur(t)

Dear Cur(t).
Yes, you do have a problem but it could be worse. Lord Fortnum in The Bed-Sitting Room thought he was turning into a, well, bed-sitting room. Actually he did ....
Your wife will notice your bow-wowing and I'm surprised that this hasn't happened already.
Do you manifest any other 'doggy' behaviour? Running about? Salivating? Peeing on trees? Licking your balls? Chasing cats? Sniffing crotches? Can I suggest that you just ....STOP THIS STUPID BEHAVIOUR! Get a grip man.

                                                                              - The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

Maybe there's a club you can join.

HE THINKS HE'S TURNING ITALIAN (REPEAT) ... YOU KNOW HE THINKS SO

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I have a friend who is a nice guy but as he gets older he sure gets crankier as well.His crankiness manifests itself in his comments on other's blog posts and seem to be worse when written late at night, obviously fuelled by a bit too much chardonnay (unlabelled).
He has a brother who, like Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham to Donald Trump, ingratiatingly praises him to his face but says derogatory things about him behind his back (but that's another story).
My friend has taken to speaking and writing in Italian and uses this language for his most vitriolic comments.
Should I learn Italian in order to understand his comments and to respond in kind?

                                                                                   - Uncertain


Dear Uncertain. Didn't your mother ever say to you "OK, so just because Johnny jumps off a cliff, will you do so as well?"
Don't be such an idiot. This cranky friend of yours soon won't have any friends at all if he keeps getting crankier. He's using this foreign language as a crutch to disguise past failings. I've found that such people who take up another language later in life do so because they failed to master other languages at school and are resentful of those who did. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a load of imaginary friends who he corresponds with.
Ignore it.

p.s. this brother of his sounds like a bit of a worry though.



- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

IMPATIENT

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

My partner of 30 plus years often accuses me of being impatient.
She even suggests that I'm a 'temper bag' (her words) sometimes. What's that about?

I do admit that some things in life 'get my goat'. Some examples:

• Waiting for toast to cook.  It takes so bloody long. There it is just sitting in the bloody toaster when my poached egg is already cooked. Bastard!

• Waiting for the computer to boot up. I've turned it on, what more does it want? It just sits there clicking away. Doesn't it know that I've got important blog posts to write? Bastard!

• Putting that glass plate back into the microwave. Why is it so bloody difficult? Why do they have those three little locating thingies if you can't easily locate the plate into them? Bastards!

• Waiting to finish peeing before I can flush. I'm ready to flush the toilet - all set to go but I'm still peeing. Bastard!

- Anthony Sy.

Dear Anthony

Chill out man (I assume that you are a man). Frankly I can't understand how your 'partner of 30 plus years' has put up with you without being accused of a capital crime.

The Bible says on this subject:

"Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly."

-  Proverbs 14:29

Your examples though do have some weight. I'm with you on that toast thing and, as for that bloody microwave glass plate - Fuck! ..... sorry. I'm not with you on the peeing thing (not being a Donald Trump sympathiser) but suggest that you drink less or sit down when you're peeing so that you aren't tempted to press the flush button.

I trust that this was helpful.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

SOME OLD WISDOM

"Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt, I am a keen appreciator of wine and consider myself a bit of a connoisseur but have a terrible confession to make.
Last week I cooked a delicious chilli con carne meal and accompanied this with a light chardonnay which I enjoyed immensely.
The trouble is though that on checking  Alexis Lichine's Encyclopaedia of Wines and Spirits (1967 edition) it is said that a chilli meal must never be accompanied by a white wine and, if a red wine is used then that must be a spicy Rhone wine or a robust Bulgarian red like Egri Bikaver.
What am I to do?"

                               - Concerned Oenophile


Dear Concerned Oenophile, 'Man up'. I see no reason to take any notice of an old and long dead Frenchman who probably never washed his socks. Drink whatever you bloody well like with whatever you want to eat. I find that the best accompaniment for a white wine is another white wine or a red wine. With regards to chardonnay, this is the 'queen' of varieties and can go with anything (except fellow drinkers in RSAs). A word of warning though, be sure to only drink chardonnay that has a label on it. I don't trust those winemakers and supermarket retailers who make and sell 'cleanskins'.

p.s. Where did you get that Alexis Lichine book from?

WANDERING INTO THE REALMS OF FANTASY

"Dear Curmudgeon's agony Aunt.

 Last night I picked up my beloved from the late bus and we went to a local restaurant for a glass of wine and a bar snack.

While sitting at the bar I was faced to a window that looks out to the restaurant's deck where they have tables for diners. An attractive woman was sitting there with her partner or husband who I couldn't see. She was in her fifties. Now I was looking in that direction due to my placement at the bar but not looking at her even though I noticed her as she was very attractive. You know what I mean? Anyway, she must have thought that I was in fact looking at her as she soon began looking back - with 'that look'. I felt that I was definitely getting the 'come-on'. Should I have alerted my beloved or, as I did, enjoyed the ego-stroking?" - Wondering.

Dear Wondering.

In the words of Captain Mainwaring to Corporal Jones "I think you are wandering into the realms of fantasy there".
What on earth are you thinking? I suggest that you should have gone to the men's room and looked at yourself in the mirror to check yourself out.  The woman probably thought she saw drool coming out of your mouth or that you were spilling the wine down your shirt. She was probably tossing up whether to call the management to have you evicted or to call for some medical support for you.
As for ego -stroking I definitely think that something was being stroked.
Should you have alerted your beloved? No, not unless you wouldn't be embarrassed by her laughing.