TAKING THE .... SORRY ... A PISS

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

As I've gotten older I find that I need to get up in the middle of the night to go for a pee. This isn't a problem in the warmer months but now that it's getting colder I don't like having to leave a warm bed to shuffle along the passage to the bathroom. Am I right or am I wrong?

 - James Riddle

Dear Jimmy

You need to face the fact that this is going to get worse. If you are only having to get up once during the night then you are lucky. Expect soon for the frequency of urination to double or even triple. Fortunately there's a little trick that I can tell you of.

Long distance truck drivers and elderly relieving (pun not intended) schoolteachers use this: They keep an empty bottle close to hand and, when needed, pee into it. This works very well but I must warn you of some dangers:

• Make sure that you select a bottle that has a big enough spout to pee into. In your case Jimmy, I'm sure that a wine bottle will do.
• Make sure that you empty the wine bottle regularly and not to get it mixed up with any bottles of real wine you no doubt have (given your propensity to pee so much) around the place.
• If the wine bottle has no label that won't be a problem as clean skin wines taste like piss anyway.
• Make sure that you securely screw the cap on the bottle particularly if you keep it in your bed after doing the business.

I trust that this has been helpful.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

я хочу з тобою одружитися

"You would make for me very good husband no?"

Dear Curmudgeon's agony Aunt

For some years I've been receiving spam mail from purportedly Ukrainian women who would like to  visit me and maybe get married. They generally ask for a plane ticket to New Zealand because (somehow) they know that I would be a very good husband for them. Frankly I'm flattered but my partner of 34 years says that it's a scam and they only want my money so I delete the emails as they arrive.

Over the last couple of weeks, since Russia has invaded Ukraine, I feel guilty for deleting these emails and wonder if I should help out as we in the West have been asked to do by various governments

 and non-governmental agencies.

What do you suggest?

- The Live Wire Curmudgeon.

Dear Live Wire. Are you serious? Do you really think that one of those babes would want to marry you when .... well, when there are fine figures of men around like Richard of Richard's Bass Bag?

Listen Sparky, I suggest that if you are serious then you should cut out the middle-man and just send actual money to the babes (and their pimps). It'll save a lot of tears later, believe me.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

HEATHENLY DELIGHTS

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm a professional church cleaner and take my responsibilities very seriously.

I'm also a Catholic so my job puts me into conflict with my beliefs when I'm 

'doing' the opposition churches.

In the Catholic churches I know my way around so nothing surprises me (except Father Outthaniwannabe - the new African priest at my local church who caught me taking provocative photographs of the Virgin Mary - but that's another story).

I know that the Presbyterians, Anglicans and other 'Protestant' churches don't have Jesus Christ on their crosses. The crucifix is empty so I can't get enjoyment from contemplating the sufferings of Jesus. How unfair is that? They just have depictions of the resurrected Christ looking quite happy and smug.

 Protestant churches must be treated with reference though they look baron with a hidden will to decorate. I mean behind the scenes there are plenty of images of Mary and Jesus if one has the opportunity to look but when I sneak around I run the risk of being caught. Only last week Pastor Usebydate at the Methodist church The Amazing Grace of Gethsemane found me in a cupboard and banned me.  I went straight to my Catholic church  where no one was there except Jesus in his tabernacle. I prayed the rosary and the divine chaplet but he didn't join in.  Maybe I need to learn to speak Aramaic. 

Should I continue to service the heathen churches or should I stick to my own?

- Robert  the apathetic sinner and toilet cleaner.

Dear Robert 

Yes the Catholic Church reveres Mary, the mother of Jesus, as "Queen of Heaven" but  there are few biblical references to support the Catholic Marian dogmas — which include the Immaculate Conception, her perpetual virginity and her Assumption into heaven. This is why they are rejected by Protestants who, I dare say, take a more practical view of things rather than get all caught up in that mumbo-jumbo stuff that you Catholics believe in. Take that observation you made about non-Catholic churches not having a dead and decaying Jesus on their crosses. They don't take that Catholic suff  about crucifixion, resurrection and the Eucharist as literally as you do. As I said, they are practical.

As regards Mary my feeling is, since you have this rather unnatural and may I suggest, voyeuristic obsession with her you might find more of what you crave hidden in the cupboards and hidden rooms in those Presbyterian, Anglican and Methodist churches - images of her that are not so reverent and maybe of her as a normal, attractive young woman and not necessarily a virgin. You will probably enjoy photographing the non Catholic versions more.

In the chapel of  St. John the Baptist in the Rhein-Hunsrück region of Germany there is a black Madonna that may be of interest to you.

In conclusion I say, whatever floats your boat so suggest that you continue to service the 'heathen' churches.

I trust that this helps,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt. 

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I might have a problem and need your advice.

 Recently I've adopted a method that was shown to me by one of the very erudite influencers who I slavishly follow .... or it might have come from a sermon by the new priest with the funny foreign accent. Anyway, this method, invented by Socrates requires me to follow up statements with a question. OK? When, on the blogs, I'm stumped  and cannot come up with a clever response to comments made by the other bloggers on my blog posts I say "why do you say that?" I think I'm being smart but, from some of the responses it appears that I might be irritating those bloggers. Is this a wise thing to do?

Yours faithfully,

Avery Sillifello.

Dear Avery

While adopting some of the sayings or teachings from the famous Greek philosophers can indicate intellectual cleverness in  some cases, but, in others it can, as you've discovered, become very annoying. When the same trite phrase is used over and over again without any obvious understanding of the discipline that it is derived from you are in danger of looking silli, sorry, silly.

Socrates, as you should know was a very silly fellow, also having the ability to annoy people with his inane questions and contradictions. These were in fact widely known as The Socratic Problem. Socrates eventually pissed off enough people (and corrupted his young followers) so that he was sentenced to death. I'd take that as a warning if I were you.

Why don't you adopt the teachings and sayings of someone slightly less controversial. Enid Blyton might be a start.

Sincerely yours from the top of the tree,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

"IT IS SO HUMILIATING RECEIVING JESUS"

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I did my did my bit at the Church shop. I bought a couple of things and Christine paid for a liturgy she had taken last sunday. That was all the business that happened. I could have saved myself $16 by attending my regular parish. It was the last Sunday for the priest. He is off to Waikanae. I gave him a wave as he left in his car. He seemed nice enough, but his jokes were very hard to understand with his Filipino accent.
He told one today which I didn't really get. I really do not think jokes are always appropriate at Mass where Jesus and all the angels in eternity are joining in celebrating the sacrifice Christ made for sinful man. Then coming to each of us in person in the Holy Eucharist. It is so humiliating receiving Jesus.

Should I be worried?

- Robert the apathetic sinner and toilet cleaner.


Dear Robert

You are joking aren't you?

You say that your priest (is that Father Offthebetta?) tells jokes at Mass that you 'don't get'. It would have helped if you'd mentioned what the joke was. Was it this one?

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

Maybe not, but I'm a bit bewildered here. You said that, and I quote: "I really do not think jokes are always appropriate at Mass" yet you go on to make a very big joke that I think is hilarious. You said, and again I quote: " ..... at Mass where Jesus and all the angels in eternity are joining in celebrating the sacrifice Christ made for sinful man. Then coming to each of us in person in the Holy Eucharist."

What a hoot!

Should you be worried? I'm not sure but I can damn well say that everyone around you should be worried especially when you say: "It is so humiliating receiving Jesus." Now I don't know what goes on in that church of yours on Sundays but there's a suggestion there of something rather unhealthy. maybe you should  do some soul-searching on that before bothering me with your silly questions mmm?

Yours,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

Robert being humiliated by Jesus

CAR ROUSES

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

Recently Ive found myself trawling through the news looking for reports of plane crashes erthqakes tornades and other god made disaasters - bless him . ,

I have bilt a model racetrack in the back garden that reasembles a motorway complex. To make it reel Ive sawn up the models of cars into pieces  like wot Ive saw on the news. This gives me an immense, sorry this gives me immense pleasure and I wonder why I didnt do this years before I realized that this gives me immense pleasure.

Is there something wrong with me?

- Crass Bandy Old Coot.

Dear Crash

Yes, there is something wrong with you. Don't you know by now that there is no god? And, please watch your grammar and spelling. It's the little things that are important.

Yours, 

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

TAKING THINGS LITERALLY

 Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I have a problem in that I keep using the word 'literally. This literally is driving me crazy - see what happened there? I literally know that I should lose the habit as I literally die from shame when I hear myself use the word. I literally feel like an idiot.

What can you suggest?

Ivor Habbit.

Dear Ivor

Yes, you are an idiot and I can't help you to stop using that over-used word in the way (metaphorically) that it should be used. You lack fresh ideas and I guess are pretty dull.

The only thing I can suggest is that you join a group of similar people and 'hide in plain sight' as it were.

Fortunately for you there are many of these organisations that meet regularly (Covid-19 regulations permitting), usually on Sunday mornings. Try The Catholic church. There's bound to be a representation of this lurking in your area. You can share your affliction with people like you.

Yours, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

IMAGINARY FRIENDS

 Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I feel devastated. I just learnt that someone, well, a being really, is dead. The New Different Time Zone Bill went to 2041 and saw God's grave.

"Les sanglots longs des violons de l'automne blessent mon cœur d'une langueur monotone. Tout suffocant et blême, quand sonne l'heure, Je me souviens des jours anciens et je pleure; Et je m'en vais au vent mauvais oui m'emporte deçà, delà, pareil à la feuille morte."

What am I to do?

- Robert 

Dear Robert. 

Well, get you Google Boy. I thought you studied Geography and Religious Sycophantry at school, not languages.

Look, grieving is OK - it's normal - up to a point. Grieving over the reported demise of an imaginary being though is akin to those 'trekkie' nutters grieving over a Star Trek character getting wiped out on that abysmal television series.

Get over it, or, better still, go find yourself another imaginary character to idolise.

To imagine is to represent without aiming at things as they actually, presently, and subjectively are. One can use imagination to represent possibilities other than the actual, to represent times other than the present, and to represent perspectives other than one’s own. Unlike perceiving and believing, imagining something does not require one to consider that something to be the case. Unlike desiring or anticipating, imagining something does not require one to wish or expect that something to be the case.

          - Stanford Encyclopaedia

 There are plenty of them out there and while some have lost followers (usually when the follower gets to the age of about six AND GROWS SOME ) most haven't yet had old Friedrich Nietzsche come out and actually declare them dead.

I'd, like your brother, suggest that you check out The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus.

I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A PRIEST I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A PRIEST I REALLY THINK SO ..

 

I REALLY THINK SO

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I have a confession (not that blessed and sacred sacrament) to make.

On Sundays at Mass, Father (he's not really my dad, I think) asks me to look after the church shop for him. I like that as it's a big responsibility and I know that he trusts me. He also gets me to look after the collection. Recently he asked me to clean the toilets as he knows that I have experience in this. I'm proud to help. Last Sunday Father asked me to do the singing during service. He also wants me to read out the Epistle and the Gospel and hinted that I should write a sermon for next week. I asked him if I could write it and read it out in Latin and he said yes. He's been hinting as to whether I know how to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ.

"Hoc est enim corpus meum .... hic est enim calix sanguinis mei." I said and he replied "You're hired!"

Am I being presumptuous or have I been invited into the fold.

Yours, 

Shav Eling

Dear Shav,

Yes, fill your boots. Take that opportunity in both hands and run with it as Diego Maradona used to say. You've got a great chance of wealth and success there. Take the collection for example. I mean it, take it. Also, that church shop thing sounds like a great rort. The mark-ups on things like medals, holy pictures, pamphlets and bibles must be tremendous. No doubt they are all made in Asian, non-christian countries by child slave labour so the base cost is nothing. Maybe you can create a chain of these stores or, better still, get into mail order.

If the offer of a job comes as substitute priest accept it. Remember, you can never get sacked from that position no matter how useless or drunk you are and the catholic church will always turn a blind eye to your transgressions no matter how horrendous. The accommodation is free and they'll probably give you a housekeeper or two. Labour's easy to get as, in the church there's always some silly sucker that can be cajoled into doing the work ..... oh, sorry, but you know what I mean.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

RICCARDO TERZO

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I find myself using words  like 'shit' and 'crap' a lot. I did this in a comment on your previous post using Latin. This embarrasses me but I get pleasure from saying the words.  I translate the words and expressions into, usually, Italian to disguise them but am aware that other people suspect and are probably using Google to translate them back into English.

I also obsess a bit about my toilet regimen and feel compelled to mention what I'm doing in my morning blogs with this taking precedence over other daily routines like making a cup of coffee or throwing the old lady next door's newspaper up into a tree.

Is there something wrong with me?

- Richard (of RBB).

Dear Ricard (snigger - sorry), what you are referring to is a problem and yes, there is something wrong with you. The problem goes by the name of scatology. My dictionary defines this as:

       noun

1. the study of or preoccupation with excrement or obscenity.
2. obscenity, especially words or humour referring to excrement.
3. the study of fossil excrement.

While distasteful, if you were to only stick to this (two horrible puns there) then I can't see there being too much of a problem except for the fact that you will not make any new friends and probably alienate the ones you have, if any.

The broader problem is if you were to develop any deeper (an adjectival pun there) disorders like coprophilia or worse, scatophilia. I'm disinclined to go into detail on these disorders as they are rather horrible and take your scatology into more deviant areas.  You can look this up on the internet but, take care. What you do in the privacy of your own home of course is your business  but let me say this: be glad that you aren't a dog with coprophilia as then you would be eating your own, and strangers', shit.

Have you heard of the 'Dorian Gray effect'? Sociologists and psychologists believe that names produce a Dorian Gray effect, influencing personality, how we're perceived, and even physical appearance. In Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray, Dorian Gray never ages while his portrait in the attic does. 

Some names have stronger effects than others. With yours, unfortunately, your parents did not do enough due diligence and so were (hopefully) unaware that the name  'Richard' has a scatological connection. Have you heard of the cockney rhyming slang 'Richard The Third'? This rhymes with turd and lower classes of people refer to someone doing a 'Richard The Third' or, in its shortened form, doing a 'Richard'. 

Richard; faeces. Not the most flattering way to remember Richard the Third. "Look out for the Richard on the sidewalk".

No doubt somewhere in your past you have become aware of this either directly or subliminally and it forms the basis of your now emerging obsession. This is unfortunate but, there you go. Get over it.

YO, CHRIST!

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

For some time now I have an overwhelming urge to consume human flesh.

The craving generally starts later in the week, about Thursday and builds up alarmingly until, by Saturday evening I'm going out of my mind with lust and hunger and am desperate for Sunday morning to come around. On Sunday mornings I'm able to satisfy the craving and the clawing, crawling sensations in my stomach disappear until the following week. I feel fulfilled for a while and can calm down and communicate generally well with others (at least for a few days).

More recently, in addition to this impure and unnatural craving I find that my mind is being taken over by another being - one that talks in another tongue. At first I learned this tongue, which turned out to be a dead language once used extensively a couple of millennia ago, in order to understand what the being was telling me. Now I find that this language is taking over my communication and I use it when among others much to their consternation.

Am I going crazy?

 - Catherine O'Lick.

Dear Cath

Yes, you're nuts. Get a life.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.