BROKEN DOWN

 

Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I've been having trouble with my car recently and yesterday it broke down. It stopped, dead ,never to go again when ..... well, you know the rest.

I've bragged a bit about this car over the years, it being a mighty Mitsubishi and all and it has matched my personality. I'll have to get another car as replacement. Can you suggest a good match?

- Richard of Richards Bass Bag*

* The original bass bagging site.

Well Dick, may I call you Dick, you certainly act like one with that "original bass bagging site" nonsense? You're looking for a car that matches your personality then?

It seems that the current one has done that quite well - old, knocked about a bit, wheezy, leaks vital and other fluids, a bit grubby and clapped out - it'll be a hard act to follow son.

I had a look at this 'bass bagging' blog of yours and see that it's not just you that needs to be considered in the 'personality' of the said vehicle -it's the other nutters oddballs characters that make up the whole.

Let's break them down ..... oops, sorry about that ...... let's take them one by one:

Akish the Philistine. 

Mmm, this might be tricky. I guess that chariots can't be registered nowadays but going by the modern definition of philistine which is:  a person who is guided by materialism and is usually disdainful of intellectual or artistic values we could then look at some sort of pretend souped up bogan vehicle which is in keeping with your environment. Let's park that for a moment (you see what I did there?).

Angry Jesus.

This is a bit easier than the philistine's as Jesus is a more universal and flexible character. It's the 'angry' part that could be a problem. This suggests road rage and maybe a bogan-type vehicle again. Something that looks powerful and menacing but not suggesting intelligence - one of those 'tradies' utes might do.

Bin's Bass Bag.

I researched what this type of character drives and, guess what? I came up with clapped out Japanese sedans and utes, normally cut down and with a machine gun installed. Luckily for you this isn't a million miles away from the suggested vehicle for that Jesus and the philistine character.

Phillip Edward Niss.

This guy sounds like a real dick, pardon the association. His likely vehicle of choice is something that enhances his self esteem with a long bonnet but without any real grunt. One of these silly, mid-life crisis sports cars should do - a BMW Z series or a Mazda MX5

Richard's Bass Bag 2.

This one is unnecessary baggage, overblown and interfering so a 'Remuera Tractor' type - one of those 4WD vehicles that never see a farm would be suitable. We could combine that with Angry Jesus's tradies ute.

Richard's Bass Bag 3.
If Richard's Bass Bag 2 was superfluous then this one is positively redundant.

It could be handy for shopping trip type activities so a small hatch back car could do - not to flash and power isn't too much of an issue so a granny car like a Mazda Demio or a Suzuki Swift will do.

Shaw Thing.

Now this guy is boring. Really boring. The best vehicle I can think of for him is a Morris Minor or a Hillman Hunter but these are becoming hard to find. Maybe an old  Mini van or an early model Toyota Corolla would do,

I looked at the other blog identities and most of these haven't been used. I don't think that they could be trusted with a motor vehicle anyway given that they would need bicycles with training wheels.

So, in summary, we are looking at some sort of 'tradies' ute but an underpowered one that has a lot of silly and fancy crap added like spoilers, racing stripes, tinted windows and those fat exhaust pipes that the bogans like. Something in a 'granny

 colour like puce, pea-soup green or dull yellow is ideal.

If a sedan is preferred then an old Misubishi Diamante, black coloured might just fit the bill ....... hey! Are you sure you don't want to just get your car repaired?

I trust that this helps.

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

NEVER LET THE TRUTH GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm looking for help and don't know who I can turn to as I've been let down by so many people.

I'm actually in hiding at present after a harrowing week.

First off I threw a party on Thursday for some old pals. It started off OK but they all got pissed and a bit obnoxious. They started making fun of me saying "We love you JC. We love you so much we could eat you all up. Eat your body and drink your blood." Weird. I threw them out but next morning Five-O came looking for me. It seems that Judas and some others ratted me out over a few things I was bragging about, you know, skiting about my dad and how young my mum still looks. I think it was when I told them about shagging Mags that they turned sour. Jealousy I guess.

So Five O drags me off  to the Guv'nor who has a bit of a hangover too and didn't really want to know. He told them to slap me about a bit and then to cruise by later to tell him how that went. I guess they were a bit hungover themselves or hard of hearing because they crucified me instead. That was bloody painful I can tell you. It went on for a while and I went to sleep after having had a hard night. When I woke up some idiots had locked me in a cave. I was stuck there all Friday night and all day Saturday. 

On Sunday morning someone opened up the cave and I thought all was well but it turned out to be Mag's dad and his brothers who tried to murder me. Bastards. I managed to get away when dad, I mean Uncle Joseph came by and rescued me. He told me to hide and that he and his brothers would invent some story about how I mysteriously evaporated or something. To be honest old Uncle Joe is a bit on the thick side.

To make a long story short I don't trust my 'uncle' either as I think he suspects something about mum and dad. Anyway, what do you think? What should I do?

- JC,

Dear JC

Are you kidding me?

Your story is gold.  If that were mine I'd be making capital, lots of capital out of it. I'd syndicate it, I'd ....... hey! You don't want a partner do you? I know some guys who fancy themselves as scribes. They'd be happy to ghost-write your life story if you cut them in on the profits. I know that Matt and Mark are pretty good. Luke tends to plagiarise a bit but it kind of gives the whole thing credibility if the punters don't know that they're connected. John can put a mean sentence together but he gets a bit spacey after ingesting those mushrooms but he will appeal to the younger set.

Get your people to contact my people and we'll work out a deal. OK?

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

TAKING THE .... SORRY ... A PISS

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

As I've gotten older I find that I need to get up in the middle of the night to go for a pee. This isn't a problem in the warmer months but now that it's getting colder I don't like having to leave a warm bed to shuffle along the passage to the bathroom. Am I right or am I wrong?

 - James Riddle

Dear Jimmy

You need to face the fact that this is going to get worse. If you are only having to get up once during the night then you are lucky. Expect soon for the frequency of urination to double or even triple. Fortunately there's a little trick that I can tell you of.

Long distance truck drivers and elderly relieving (pun not intended) schoolteachers use this: They keep an empty bottle close to hand and, when needed, pee into it. This works very well but I must warn you of some dangers:

• Make sure that you select a bottle that has a big enough spout to pee into. In your case Jimmy, I'm sure that a wine bottle will do.
• Make sure that you empty the wine bottle regularly and not to get it mixed up with any bottles of real wine you no doubt have (given your propensity to pee so much) around the place.
• If the wine bottle has no label that won't be a problem as clean skin wines taste like piss anyway.
• Make sure that you securely screw the cap on the bottle particularly if you keep it in your bed after doing the business.

I trust that this has been helpful.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

я хочу з тобою одружитися

"You would make for me very good husband no?"

Dear Curmudgeon's agony Aunt

For some years I've been receiving spam mail from purportedly Ukrainian women who would like to  visit me and maybe get married. They generally ask for a plane ticket to New Zealand because (somehow) they know that I would be a very good husband for them. Frankly I'm flattered but my partner of 34 years says that it's a scam and they only want my money so I delete the emails as they arrive.

Over the last couple of weeks, since Russia has invaded Ukraine, I feel guilty for deleting these emails and wonder if I should help out as we in the West have been asked to do by various governments

 and non-governmental agencies.

What do you suggest?

- The Live Wire Curmudgeon.

Dear Live Wire. Are you serious? Do you really think that one of those babes would want to marry you when .... well, when there are fine figures of men around like Richard of Richard's Bass Bag?

Listen Sparky, I suggest that if you are serious then you should cut out the middle-man and just send actual money to the babes (and their pimps). It'll save a lot of tears later, believe me.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

HEATHENLY DELIGHTS

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I'm a professional church cleaner and take my responsibilities very seriously.

I'm also a Catholic so my job puts me into conflict with my beliefs when I'm 

'doing' the opposition churches.

In the Catholic churches I know my way around so nothing surprises me (except Father Outthaniwannabe - the new African priest at my local church who caught me taking provocative photographs of the Virgin Mary - but that's another story).

I know that the Presbyterians, Anglicans and other 'Protestant' churches don't have Jesus Christ on their crosses. The crucifix is empty so I can't get enjoyment from contemplating the sufferings of Jesus. How unfair is that? They just have depictions of the resurrected Christ looking quite happy and smug.

 Protestant churches must be treated with reference though they look baron with a hidden will to decorate. I mean behind the scenes there are plenty of images of Mary and Jesus if one has the opportunity to look but when I sneak around I run the risk of being caught. Only last week Pastor Usebydate at the Methodist church The Amazing Grace of Gethsemane found me in a cupboard and banned me.  I went straight to my Catholic church  where no one was there except Jesus in his tabernacle. I prayed the rosary and the divine chaplet but he didn't join in.  Maybe I need to learn to speak Aramaic. 

Should I continue to service the heathen churches or should I stick to my own?

- Robert  the apathetic sinner and toilet cleaner.

Dear Robert 

Yes the Catholic Church reveres Mary, the mother of Jesus, as "Queen of Heaven" but  there are few biblical references to support the Catholic Marian dogmas — which include the Immaculate Conception, her perpetual virginity and her Assumption into heaven. This is why they are rejected by Protestants who, I dare say, take a more practical view of things rather than get all caught up in that mumbo-jumbo stuff that you Catholics believe in. Take that observation you made about non-Catholic churches not having a dead and decaying Jesus on their crosses. They don't take that Catholic suff  about crucifixion, resurrection and the Eucharist as literally as you do. As I said, they are practical.

As regards Mary my feeling is, since you have this rather unnatural and may I suggest, voyeuristic obsession with her you might find more of what you crave hidden in the cupboards and hidden rooms in those Presbyterian, Anglican and Methodist churches - images of her that are not so reverent and maybe of her as a normal, attractive young woman and not necessarily a virgin. You will probably enjoy photographing the non Catholic versions more.

In the chapel of  St. John the Baptist in the Rhein-Hunsrück region of Germany there is a black Madonna that may be of interest to you.

In conclusion I say, whatever floats your boat so suggest that you continue to service the 'heathen' churches.

I trust that this helps,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt. 

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I might have a problem and need your advice.

 Recently I've adopted a method that was shown to me by one of the very erudite influencers who I slavishly follow .... or it might have come from a sermon by the new priest with the funny foreign accent. Anyway, this method, invented by Socrates requires me to follow up statements with a question. OK? When, on the blogs, I'm stumped  and cannot come up with a clever response to comments made by the other bloggers on my blog posts I say "why do you say that?" I think I'm being smart but, from some of the responses it appears that I might be irritating those bloggers. Is this a wise thing to do?

Yours faithfully,

Avery Sillifello.

Dear Avery

While adopting some of the sayings or teachings from the famous Greek philosophers can indicate intellectual cleverness in  some cases, but, in others it can, as you've discovered, become very annoying. When the same trite phrase is used over and over again without any obvious understanding of the discipline that it is derived from you are in danger of looking silli, sorry, silly.

Socrates, as you should know was a very silly fellow, also having the ability to annoy people with his inane questions and contradictions. These were in fact widely known as The Socratic Problem. Socrates eventually pissed off enough people (and corrupted his young followers) so that he was sentenced to death. I'd take that as a warning if I were you.

Why don't you adopt the teachings and sayings of someone slightly less controversial. Enid Blyton might be a start.

Sincerely yours from the top of the tree,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

"IT IS SO HUMILIATING RECEIVING JESUS"

 Dear The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I did my did my bit at the Church shop. I bought a couple of things and Christine paid for a liturgy she had taken last sunday. That was all the business that happened. I could have saved myself $16 by attending my regular parish. It was the last Sunday for the priest. He is off to Waikanae. I gave him a wave as he left in his car. He seemed nice enough, but his jokes were very hard to understand with his Filipino accent.
He told one today which I didn't really get. I really do not think jokes are always appropriate at Mass where Jesus and all the angels in eternity are joining in celebrating the sacrifice Christ made for sinful man. Then coming to each of us in person in the Holy Eucharist. It is so humiliating receiving Jesus.

Should I be worried?

- Robert the apathetic sinner and toilet cleaner.


Dear Robert

You are joking aren't you?

You say that your priest (is that Father Offthebetta?) tells jokes at Mass that you 'don't get'. It would have helped if you'd mentioned what the joke was. Was it this one?

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

Maybe not, but I'm a bit bewildered here. You said that, and I quote: "I really do not think jokes are always appropriate at Mass" yet you go on to make a very big joke that I think is hilarious. You said, and again I quote: " ..... at Mass where Jesus and all the angels in eternity are joining in celebrating the sacrifice Christ made for sinful man. Then coming to each of us in person in the Holy Eucharist."

What a hoot!

Should you be worried? I'm not sure but I can damn well say that everyone around you should be worried especially when you say: "It is so humiliating receiving Jesus." Now I don't know what goes on in that church of yours on Sundays but there's a suggestion there of something rather unhealthy. maybe you should  do some soul-searching on that before bothering me with your silly questions mmm?

Yours,

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

Robert being humiliated by Jesus

CAR ROUSES

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt,

Recently Ive found myself trawling through the news looking for reports of plane crashes erthqakes tornades and other god made disaasters - bless him . ,

I have bilt a model racetrack in the back garden that reasembles a motorway complex. To make it reel Ive sawn up the models of cars into pieces  like wot Ive saw on the news. This gives me an immense, sorry this gives me immense pleasure and I wonder why I didnt do this years before I realized that this gives me immense pleasure.

Is there something wrong with me?

- Crass Bandy Old Coot.

Dear Crash

Yes, there is something wrong with you. Don't you know by now that there is no god? And, please watch your grammar and spelling. It's the little things that are important.

Yours, 

The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

TAKING THINGS LITERALLY

 Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I have a problem in that I keep using the word 'literally. This literally is driving me crazy - see what happened there? I literally know that I should lose the habit as I literally die from shame when I hear myself use the word. I literally feel like an idiot.

What can you suggest?

Ivor Habbit.

Dear Ivor

Yes, you are an idiot and I can't help you to stop using that over-used word in the way (metaphorically) that it should be used. You lack fresh ideas and I guess are pretty dull.

The only thing I can suggest is that you join a group of similar people and 'hide in plain sight' as it were.

Fortunately for you there are many of these organisations that meet regularly (Covid-19 regulations permitting), usually on Sunday mornings. Try The Catholic church. There's bound to be a representation of this lurking in your area. You can share your affliction with people like you.

Yours, The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

IMAGINARY FRIENDS

 Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.

I feel devastated. I just learnt that someone, well, a being really, is dead. The New Different Time Zone Bill went to 2041 and saw God's grave.

"Les sanglots longs des violons de l'automne blessent mon cœur d'une langueur monotone. Tout suffocant et blême, quand sonne l'heure, Je me souviens des jours anciens et je pleure; Et je m'en vais au vent mauvais oui m'emporte deçà, delà, pareil à la feuille morte."

What am I to do?

- Robert 

Dear Robert. 

Well, get you Google Boy. I thought you studied Geography and Religious Sycophantry at school, not languages.

Look, grieving is OK - it's normal - up to a point. Grieving over the reported demise of an imaginary being though is akin to those 'trekkie' nutters grieving over a Star Trek character getting wiped out on that abysmal television series.

Get over it, or, better still, go find yourself another imaginary character to idolise.

To imagine is to represent without aiming at things as they actually, presently, and subjectively are. One can use imagination to represent possibilities other than the actual, to represent times other than the present, and to represent perspectives other than one’s own. Unlike perceiving and believing, imagining something does not require one to consider that something to be the case. Unlike desiring or anticipating, imagining something does not require one to wish or expect that something to be the case.

          - Stanford Encyclopaedia

 There are plenty of them out there and while some have lost followers (usually when the follower gets to the age of about six AND GROWS SOME ) most haven't yet had old Friedrich Nietzsche come out and actually declare them dead.

I'd, like your brother, suggest that you check out The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus.

I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A PRIEST I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A PRIEST I REALLY THINK SO ..

 

I REALLY THINK SO

Dear Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt

I have a confession (not that blessed and sacred sacrament) to make.

On Sundays at Mass, Father (he's not really my dad, I think) asks me to look after the church shop for him. I like that as it's a big responsibility and I know that he trusts me. He also gets me to look after the collection. Recently he asked me to clean the toilets as he knows that I have experience in this. I'm proud to help. Last Sunday Father asked me to do the singing during service. He also wants me to read out the Epistle and the Gospel and hinted that I should write a sermon for next week. I asked him if I could write it and read it out in Latin and he said yes. He's been hinting as to whether I know how to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ.

"Hoc est enim corpus meum .... hic est enim calix sanguinis mei." I said and he replied "You're hired!"

Am I being presumptuous or have I been invited into the fold.

Yours, 

Shav Eling

Dear Shav,

Yes, fill your boots. Take that opportunity in both hands and run with it as Diego Maradona used to say. You've got a great chance of wealth and success there. Take the collection for example. I mean it, take it. Also, that church shop thing sounds like a great rort. The mark-ups on things like medals, holy pictures, pamphlets and bibles must be tremendous. No doubt they are all made in Asian, non-christian countries by child slave labour so the base cost is nothing. Maybe you can create a chain of these stores or, better still, get into mail order.

If the offer of a job comes as substitute priest accept it. Remember, you can never get sacked from that position no matter how useless or drunk you are and the catholic church will always turn a blind eye to your transgressions no matter how horrendous. The accommodation is free and they'll probably give you a housekeeper or two. Labour's easy to get as, in the church there's always some silly sucker that can be cajoled into doing the work ..... oh, sorry, but you know what I mean.

- The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt.